The Left Tit

Mind Altering Substances

2011-12-29T12:29:00.003+03:00

He keeps writing, and I keep tearing up at a future with no Fire Joe Morgan.

You know what comes next? Another installment of They Let YOU Write?

Banning hubbly-bubbly smoking

The productivity and viability of a nation is built upon its ability to develop, innovate and grow. Nations today are competing against one another, seeking to create new products and imagining new useful services while we do nothing. We lament at the pitiful state we find ourselves in today, and yet how much blame can we lay on others?

I like how this guy starts his articles. He chastises us for blaming others (People? Factors? Who knows) and laments the pitiful state we are in today. We consume, consume, and consume even more while corruption overtakes the country. This is not possible. We must find a cure. But to what you say? What could possibly be causing all this?

I would not dare to claim that the hubbly-bubbly and the cafes in which it is served is the cause of our malaises.

So it is not hubbly-bubbly (read: shisha) or the cafes that serve them that cause Kuwaitis to be such slugs and nonproductive entities. Moving on...

I would be dishonest to not, based on personal interaction, note the negative effect such cafes have on people and the youth of this country.The hours spent wasted smoking and watching soccer games is appalling.

Other places where people spend time watching soccer and smoking: dowaneyas, but you don't see this guy calling for their abolishment. (Although if he was a girl, this is probably where he would go with this. Chicks hate dowaneyas.)

These are hours spent away from general productivity and personal enrichment.

Again, I bring up dowaneyas. While there are a lot of dowaneyas where matters pertinent to the general discourse of the country is discussed – such as his aforementioned malaise and my aforementioned corruption, most of the time spent in the dowaneya is spent watching soccer, smoking and even playing Monopoly Deal. But again, you don't see this guy calling for the ban of dowaneyas (because he is not a chick...).

As a country we should be concerned with the ability of people to spend endless hours smoking. Many will question, in a country like Kuwait what real alternatives do they really have, as if amusement was the only thing people should seek to maximize on a daily basis.

Not one smoker has ever told me that he smokes because he is bored, whether shisha or otherwise.

We, I am afraid, have lost the notion of integrity and ingenuity that has allowed us to live and dwell in a desert climate for decades. We are nursed by foreign produced technology without feeling the need to develop anything on our own. The reality is that many activities can be conducted that are more interesting and productive, and certainly are more useful, than smoking hubbly-bubbly through the night.

I don't think it is our notions of integrity and ingenuity that have allowed us to live in a desert climate for years. I think it is an invention called the air conditioner, and yes, it is produced in foreign lands.

And yes, I agree that there are many activities that are far more interesting and productive than smoking hubbly-bubbly through the night, but I can make that argument for a lot of other things. There are many activities that are far more interesting and productive than being on the Internet, many activities more interesting than driving around aimlessly in your car – the possibilities are endless.

A campaign has recently begun to bring to a grinding halt this institution, which has the sole objective of entrenching my generation of peers in a state of mindless limbo in a perpetual soccer feast.

Why is the love of sports and being engaged in a perpetual soccer feast so damaging to productivity? Other nations in a perpetual feast and an undying thirst for sports: The United States of America (The Superbowl is the highest rated broadcast of the year, Monday Night Football (when it was on ABC) was the highest rated program on television, and many companies – those bastions of productivity – pay premium dollar because of their reliance on that fact. Sports shouldn't be under attack here; it should, however, be enriched and uncorrupted since it should be a source of pride for a country.)

Many could argue that it is their personal freedom to smoke or, as a matter of fact, do as they please. However, one should consider the cost on society and whether the sum of the effect of hubbly-bubbly smoking is a growing danger that should be stopped or curbed.

Why target shisha only? Why not talk about smoking in general? What are the effects of this danger? What is your point exactly? More to the point, why are you writing?

When people don't know better, or worse when they know the dangers and yet willingly succumb to the temptations, should the state not intervene to protect their interest even though hubbly-bubbly smokers might not be able, due to addiction, to do just that!

Fact: This is not a complete sentence. Do what exactly? Succumb to temptations? Well, duh. It is human nature to succumb to temptations. If you think it is the state's job to control its citizens' temptations, then maybe the state should install cameras in all our homes, so that when the urge strikes and people are, let's say, horny, they don't succumb to temptations and jack-off without the state knowing about it. (THERE'S A MILLION DOLLAR IDEA FOR YOU: Kuwaitis Gone Wild. Portfolio: diversified.)

If we conceptualize the benefits of smoking hubbly-bubbly versus its negative effects on the individual and on society as a whole, what would the outcome be? I suspect that it would be clear that hubbly-bubbly smoking is to be curbed and certainly not allowed to flourish due to the waste in time, money, health and energy. The benefits are non-existent.

Again, this would be a good article if it was a non-smoking creed. But it's not. So it's shitty.

To those who may disagree and state that without smoking, many people in Kuwait would have no alternative. I would answer that these are mere lies that people who smoke try to convince themselves with.

Again, nobody has ever told me they started smoking and continue to do so because they are bored.

The reality is that there are many things that one can do, least of all read. You might come up with new ideas, develop new products, processes, or services that would revolutionize our world. That will make your wallet much heavier and your lungs much lighter.

Let's treat smoking as a drug. Many great artists and inventors – probably all the great minds of our time – have had a history with drugs. By that logic, smoking should be encouraged, not curbed. I see what you did there, author. You just accomplished one of the greatest trolling jobs I have ever seen.

Kudos.

Shut Down Your Game Like The NBA Lockout

2011-07-05T19:52:00.003+03:00

Everybody who knows me, whether personally or on the web, knows how much of a hoop head I am. I love basketball- watching it, playing it, talking about it. If it has anything to do with hoops, I'm there.

Needless to say, the current NBA lockout worries me. An integral part of my life is gone.

This is not like the NFL lockout, where it's basically a squabble between owners and players who all rake in copious amounts of money and are debating how the pie is split, and whether retired players are entitled to some benefits. In the NBA, there is no pie. With the exception of a few teams, most people in the NBA are losing money.

That's why I think the league is gonna be gone for a long time.

I'm gonna spare you the mechanics of the situation- you can find many reviews of the NBA lockout online, from people more knowledgeable about it than I. As with anything on this blog, this post is about me and how the lockout is gonna affect me.

I personally think it's retarded that a league coming off its best season in years is gonna stop all that momentum and stop work for an extended period of time (and it is going to be an extended period of time. This lockout isn't just players vs owners; it's owners vs other owners VS other players. It's a war on two fronts basically). The momentum from the Decision? Gone. The excitement from one of the greatest playoffs ever, and the most exciting first round in a long time? Poof. Disappeared.

The NBA might not go the way of hockey (David Stern is too smart for that- I think), but they will lose fans. Many fans. That's gonna be a problem because loss of fans means loss of money, and isn't people losing money the reason we are here in the first place?

I'm not saying I won't tune in the second NBA basketball is back. I'm saying that, when I do tune in, the product that I am accustomed to, the product that I love, will have changed. I don't want my basketball to change.

It has been the constant thing in my life, the one thing I have control over.

I hate losing control.

Brain Droppings

2011-06-19T08:49:00.002+03:00

I haven't posted here in a while mainly because I don't think anyone reads this blog, but also because I haven't felt the need to post a thought that couldn't be expressed in 140 characters or less. (Yes, I'm addicted to Twitter. Follow me here.)

Now that we got the little piece of advertising out of the way, let's get on with the show.

As the post title suggests, these are brain droppings. This is basically a stream of consciousness ramble that may or may not have anything to do with the narrative of my life. Basically, I just felt like writing... something.

There have been many changes in these last two months, some good, others not so much. (I'm holding off on judging the latter since I don't know what the fuck to make of it yet. So far, it's been a steaming pile of crap. However, and this is just my gut reaction, I think it might turn out to be a good thing in the end. There are some loose ends right now, and I think properly tying them up in the near future would be beneficial for yours truly.)

Right, so where was I?

Oh yeah, I'm still stuck in Kuwait and I feel that a change of scenery- if only a temporary one- would help put this shit into perspective. This period feels like a calm before the storm type of thing and I hope for my sake that the storm isn't a fucking monster that wipes out everything in its way.

That's it for now. Tune in for more brain droppings later, whenever I feel like writing.

Whenever that happens.

Leave Your Mind Behind

2011-04-05T10:50:00.003+03:00

Sometimes - and this has lately been the case for me more often than not - you have to suspend belief, dumb yourself down and just accept things for what they are. Whether it's a friendly squabble or a "what the fuck is wrong with the American justice system", we all need to learn how to let things go.

As someone who feels threatened by this very concept (I like debate, even with the most menial things), I'm saying fuck that.

While it is good to take things at face value every once in a while, a healthy debate is always a good thing. (Of course, not all debates are healthy and some can get very absurd and downright dumb. For evidence of this, see any YouTube comments section.)

As with most sports fans, I tend to take this advice very lightly when it comes to sports. As a sports fan, and an avid watcher and debater of all things sports, I tend to leave common sense out of the equation when discussing football matters. (This is not the case with basketball as it is my area of expertise, and the sport I know very well. I will edumacate all your asses with my basketball knowledge.)

When discussing football, and especially when discussing Barcelona football, I tend to let my emotions get the better of me. (Note: this may occur all the time as I tend to let my emotions get the better of me always, especially if the person I'm talking too is showing extreme bias. See: Arsenal and Real Madrid fans, who are really the bane of my existence.)

Of course, you are all wondering where I am going with this. Honestly, I am too.

I guess my point is that while we are prone to fits of analytic disparity (commonly referred to as brain farts), we must always try to go back to a median of healthy debates and objective criticism.

You can sometimes forget your brain, but for the love of all that is holy, don't leave your mind behind.

School Spirit

2011-03-14T12:44:00.003+03:00

This is just brilliant. I wish I was back in school.

The State of The Union

2011-03-11T00:58:00.003+03:00

I love a good discussion topic.

Let me rephrase that. I love refuting a statement that is so off-base, so freaking absurd. This tweet was one of those statements.

This dude, Casttro, thinks that all blogs have become the same, mindless drivel that reads more like a newsfeed than a blog. What's more- and this, by the way, is where I take offense to the whole thing- he goes on to define what a blog is.

To which I say: get the fuck off your high horse.

A blog can be whatever the blogger wants it to be. You like writing about sports? Create a sports blog. You like celebrity gossip? Well, there are a lot of blogs dedicated to that too. (Some of which, dear Casttro, use the same pictures and write about the same celebrities- albeit in their own way.)

To define a blog, or to try to streamline and narrow the concept of them down, is to rob bloggers an opportunity to talk about their opinions, get their voices heard.

If that voice sounds a bit familiar to the other blogs, well, guess what? You can always tune in to another one.

However, I suggest another alternative.

The best way to tell a blogger what you think of his blog- his lack of originality, his dumb ideas, his absurd theories- is not via Twitter. Most blogs have a comments section. Some of these comments are even better than the post itself.

You don't like a certain post? Comment about it. (Oh, and if there's no censor, you can even curse.)

Let the fun begin.

Cheating

2011-02-10T07:19:00.003+03:00

Wait, what? Another post? Damn Bodie that's almost two in one day.

First of all, fuck you voice in my head making fun of my sporadic posting habits. Secondly, you're welcome world.

This is brief. I read this in the Klosterman book and wanted to hear your take on it. Let's just say this is an exercise in commenting and getting the interaction quota on this blog up. To paraphrase Trick Daddy, "Bodie loves the kids!"

"Let's say you have two friends named Jack and Jane. They have been romantically involved for three years and until recently lived together. Suddenly, Jack calls you on the phone and sadly mutters, "Jane just broke up with me." You ask why this just happened. Jack says, "She thinks I cheated on her." You ask, "Well, did you?" Jack says "I'm not sure. Something strange happened."

This is what Jack proceeds to tell you:

"There is this woman in our apartment building who I barely know. I've seen her in the hallway a few times, and we just sort of nodded our hellos. She is very normal looking, neither attractive nor unattractive. Last week, I came home from the bar very drunk, and-while I was getting the mail- I ran into her at the mailboxes. She was also intoxicated. Just to be neighborly, we decided to go to her place for one more beer. But because we were drunk, the conversation was very loose and flirtatious. And this woman suddenly tells me that she has a bizarre sexual quirk: she can only have an orgasm if a man watches her masturbate. This struck me as fascinating, so I started asking questions about why this was. And then –somehow- it just sort of happened. I never touched her and I never kissed her, but I ended up watching this woman masturbate. And then I went home and went to bed. I told Jane about it the next day, mostly because it was all so weird. But Jane went fucking insane when I told her this, and she angrily said our relationship is over. She's moving out right now."

Whose side do you take, Jack's or Jane's?"

Dichotomy

2011-02-09T16:58:00.002+03:00

"If this distinction seems confusing, just ask your girlfriend to explain it in detail; women have always intuitively grasped the nemesis/archenemy dichotomy. Every woman I've ever known has had at least one close friend whose only purpose in life is to criticize her actions, compete for the attention of men, and drive her insane; very often, this is a woman's best friend . Every woman also has a former friend (usually someone from high school with large breasts) whom she has loathed for years (and whom she will continue to loath with the intensity of a thousand suns, even if she sees her only once every ten years). This is her archenemy. Women intrinsically understand human dynamics, and this makes them unstoppable." - Chuck Klosterman, The Importance of Being Hated

I really liked the paragraph above. In fact, I'd recommend you check out the entire piece, as well as the entire Chuck Klosterman library. (I have read three books in succession, so maybe I am a little biased at this point. The fact remains, though: this guy can write.)

The reason I am writing about this is this brought to mind a Chris Rock skit about if women didn't hate one another, they would rule the world. This is true. What is also true, and why I think women AREN'T ruling the world as of yet, is that women suffer BECAUSE they understand human dynamics.

The fact that women understand human dynamics so well is the thing that puts a hamper on their goals of world domination (if in fact they have such goals). Women are so consumed by this nemesis/archenemy archetype that it guides their every move. This would be fine, but this just in ladies, you need to evolve.

I'm not talking about evolution in the Darwinian sense. Where I think Klosterman is limiting his argument is that men don't need their nemeses or arch enemies to be other men or women. Men understand that their arch enemy is the one who is standing in the way of them attaining their goals. Sports is the perfect example of this.

When Michael Jordan first got into the NBA, the main hurdle between him and winning a championship and attaining greatness was, at first, Isiah Thomas and the Detroit Pistons. (It might have been Bird, but I think Michael's enemy was always Isiah. Even when he ripped him to shreds in 1991, he still harbored some resentment towards him, and he always will.)

When the Chicago Bulls beat the Pistons, Mike shifted his focus to Magic Johnson. Then Magic got AIDS. (Coincidence? I think not. You don't want to mess with Mike.)

Tiger Woods is another example. Tiger chose golf as his arch enemy. (Not really, but hear me out again. This works.) When he was done breaking golf records and being lauded as the greatest golfer of all time, he chose a bigger foe: women. Tiger wanted to fuck them all. (And he would have too, if he didn't make the mistake of getting married. The dude is as dedicated as a Buddhist monk. I so would have bet on Tiger.)

I guess this means that Tiger lost to his arch enemy (and paying 150 million dollars to your ex wife almost certainly qualifies as a loss), but he's got 121 notches under his belt, and those are the ones he admitted to.

But I digress.

I don't normally disagree with Klosterman, but he missed the boat on this one. Men have nemeses and arch enemies. They're simply not as tangible as women's.

And you call men simple minded.

Prepackaged Goods

2011-02-06T14:56:00.002+03:00

I'm not gonna start this post with an extended apology because I haven't posted (flashed) in over a month or so. The fact of the matter is, Bodie felt indecent flashing you people. (Yeah right.)

Actually, you can blame the genius that is Charles J. Klosterman for my extended hiatus. I've been reading a lot of his shit- and tweeting about it extensively- that I forgot that I am sort of a writer with folks who like to read my shit. I understand your frustration with my prudish ways of late, and I aim to rectify (or "erectify", which is "to make erect", naturally. Yes, I come with pent up word leakage. This is gonna be a while.)

My raison d' posting (Oh yeah I busted out the French. Shit just got serious.) is to rant about prepackaged people, those archetypes who conform their entire personalities to fit an acceptable mold within society. They tout their individuality when in reality, them's just bland robots playing human.

Our society has its fair share of these peeps, and I have encountered several of them. Needless to say, Bodie don't play that.

What the fuck are you aiming to prove by playing into society's accepted norms? That you are a robot? Congratulations. We already knew that.

Of course, to each his own, and I fully subscribe to the live and let live viewpoint (unless you go by the name of #DOL9, in which case, seriously, fucking die) but when you go so far as to point out how my way of living ain't right because I don't subscribe to the accepted norms of society and whatnot, this is when Bodie gets the guns ready. Bodie ain't got shit on Hulk, but I will HULK SMASH your petty existence.

Yes, I live my life a little differently. Yes, I don't adhere to the rules and regulations of what people expect from me and of me.

You know what though? You don't like it? Tough.

You are not me.

I am not a robot, but it's clear to me that you are.

POSTSCRIPT: I had an entirely different post planned. I don't know what came over me when all this spewed out.

Too Much Info Is Bad For The Soul

2011-01-17T13:52:00.002+03:00

I've never been a subscriber to the "too much information" adage. I've always thought that the more information we have, the better off our decisions would be. However, I'm slowly realizing that this is simply not the case. Too much information can be fucking deadly.

Quite simply, there are stupid people in the world today that, for whatever reason, choose to misuse the information they are given. They use that information to subvert the truth and fit their own narrative, whatever that narrative might be. It can be Sean Hannity arguing that the US has a right to go into Kuwait and Iraq and take all their oil since they were the superpower that liberated Kuwait in the 1990s and they are in the process - still, after eight years - of liberating Iraq from the tyrannical clutches of the late Saddam Hussein.

It can also be nosy people on the various social media sites who choose to construct a narrative of destruction (social this time and not the kind Hannity is pining for).

One hundred and forty characters is simply not enough information to gauge a person or even an event. Also, those 140 characters are part of a larger narrative that the tweep has constructed for him or herself. What's more important, and the larger issue at hand, is that these 140 characters were typed by a user who, save for the occasional hashtag, didn't reveal their intent. Were they humorous? Were they a cry for help? Were they little smidgens of genius allowing us to peak deeper into the inner workings of this person and find out what he's all about?

No one knows. Until that time, for the millionth time, I urge you folks, don't take Twitter seriously.

Political Christmas

2010-12-26T08:03:00.001+03:00

I found this on a blog I frequent. I thought it was funny so I decided to share.

To my Democrat Friends,
Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year of 2011 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America Great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, This wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
To my Republican friends,
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Pseudo Virtual Reality

2010-12-15T13:02:00.003+03:00

"Call me old-fashioned, but as a kid growing up in Canada during the 90s, we were told to NEVER discuss personal information or detail online, or pass on that info to anyone we met online." - The Expatess

The 90s were an ancient time. The naughts (that would be the 00s, which also seem ancient by the way) have paved the way for a digital revolution that has threatened the very fabric of being. (Wow, that sounded pretentious.) Like many a Time magazine cover, I declare privacy dead.

Let's have a moment of silence and pour out a little liquor for privacy. That bitch is gone forever. Forever ever? FO' EVA EVA SON.

There was a time where we didn't broadcast our whereabouts for fear of being kidnapped or raped. We thought that people we met online were all creeps who wanted to have sex with us and tell us that "it puts the lotion in the basket." Now, the line between our online persona and our real life self is blurred.

The fact of the matter is, people don't care about privacy no more. We pride ourselves on cultivating an online personality. We don't care about the real thing anymore. Discussing personal information and passing it on to people we have met online is the only expression of our realness that we've got left.

YES, we go out, have drinks with people. But we also tweet about it, have it as our status on Facebook, and make sure our online friends know where we are. And boy do we expect feedback from them.

We check our phones for what comments our friends might have left us, how many times we were mentioned, and how cute the fucking cat drinking beer is. (Not cute. Fucking awesome.)

We do this because, quite simply, real life ain't as exciting as the virtual world no more.

I'd much rather spend time with the tweep I met who likes the Wire than meet up for coffee with the same guy and figure out that he likes Glee too.

Real life is layered, complex. Online? It's just simple.

And a hell of a lot more exciting.

Opiate Of The Masses

2010-12-08T16:24:00.002+03:00

I didn't mean to write the post the way I wrote it. Heck I didn't even want to write the post in the first place. The shit was supposed to be a tweet. This tweet:

"Agnostics piss me off more than atheists do."

That's it.

THEN, shocker of all shockers, I chose not to tweet that and I let it fester in my mind.

"OK what pisses me off about agnostics?"

"How is their concession that there is a higher power, but they chose not to believe in it, worse than I think I'm gonna be a ficus when I die? Wait, no, there's nothing worse than that. I don't know anymore."

So that whole idea was a wash. (If anyone thinks its not, and would like to take a crack at it, please, by all means do so.)

I then started thinking about drugs. (Hold the phone. Surely you must be joking! You? Bodie? Drugs? I don't believe it.)

First off, don't call me Shirley. (RIP Leslie Neilsen. Oh fuck its so obvious what my drug of choice is.)

Second, you know damn well what this blog is sort of about. No it's not about tits, although on occasion, a girl (with tits) will post.

Where was I?

Oh yes. Drugs. Religion and drugs.

To me, an agnostic person is like weed. He isn't vehemently opposed to your view on religion, but he doesn't see the point. He keeps mostly to himself and maintains a cool, detached demeanor to the whole thing. "You believe in a higher power and all it maintains? That's cool. Keep smoking what you're smoking."

The atheist, though, that's another story. Dealing with an atheist is like messing with the white powder, that cocaine. The atheist will not rest until you have exhausted all your fibers of being trying to deal with him. He will snort at your "delusions", making fun of your beliefs of an afterlife and heaven and hell. Meanwhile, this fucking idiot thinks he's gonna be a tree.

But wait, if agnostics are weed and atheists are cocaine, what does that make practitioners of the three major religions? SHEEEEEEEEEEEET. I thought you'd never ask.

We're heroin man. Fuck with us and we'll end your existence.

The Annual Anniversary of Your Delivery

2010-11-29T17:21:00.000+03:00

I absolutely loathe birthdays. I have never really enjoyed them. There's always unpleasant surprises and unbelievably high expectations... I like surprises, don't get me wrong. I just like "little" surprises; ones that don't catch me off guard and jolt me into a coma.

Without further ado, here are the things that annoy me to no end about birthdays:

It's never about you. The thing about birthdays is that it's never really about the actual person with the birthday. No, it's about the people that are coming to "celebrate" with the birthday-person. They have to have fun so that they may proceed to blab on about how amazing it was to other people.

It is also about the person that threw it, the host, because people don't throw their own birthday parties. That would be the ultimate slap in the face in the history of slaps to the face. Throwing your own birthday party always takes it down a couple of notches, so right off the bat, you're operating at a loss. So it's either the best friend or sister or whatever, and they have to play host and when it's the actual day they have to talk about how hard it was to organize and invite all the people, yada yada yada, oh why don't you just shut up. That's all very fine up until the part when it's THEIR birthday and you have to reciprocate throwing something equivalently amazing. Or not. It all depends on how much of a team player you are. (B: Way to go, society. You rob me of the one day a year I can be selfish and not get scrutinized for it.)

The awkwardness. Oh GOD. It's "your" day and everyone is all up in your face about how you feel about turning whatever age it is and then the required "I cannot believe you are *insert unbelievable age here*!!!". And when they sing happy birthday, I never understood why I can't sing along. I mean come on I have to do SOMETHING that doesn't include looking around awkwardly and trying to look like you're having the time of your life while pictures are taken. (B: At least you look pretty. You don't look like a hobo/nerd on your birthday do you?)

The presents. I'm sure nobody hates the glitz and glamour that comes along with birthdays. It's just they never are that good. Half the time it's like DO YOU KNOW ME AT ALL? I DON'T LIKE FRUIT-Y PERFUMES. Or when they make you open the presents in front of everyone and you have to put on a really good poker face, which I, for the life of me, cannot do.

This brings us to the next point, the people that are invited (most of the time, against your will). You have to put up with them. By put up, I mean entertain. I hate being in a room full of people let alone a room full of people here for the sole purpose of MY birthday. And there's always that one person you hate that comes and all you can think of is why the hell are they here? Who invited them? Why would they want to come anyway??

The cake. I can't really complain about the cake since I've been blessed with a best friend that can bake but I've been to different birthdays and the cake almost ALWAYS sucks. It's like put in a little effort people!It's all about the cake. Whether it was made at home and sucks, Betty Crocker cake -shudder-, or bought at a random pâtisserie where there's just too much frosting or too much cake. (This is not always the case but I have encountered it enough times to mention it)

The pity looks. This is only when you don't really do anything for your birthday and people ask you about how you spent your birthday and, even if it is for a fleeting second, they give you a look of pity.

Getting old. Self-explanatory.

I have said this before, but I'll repeat it for the sake of my readers, simplicity is undervalued. What would one want instead of a small dinner with a few loved ones and some home baked cake? Don't sell yourself short, appreciate the good, and get rid of all the auxiliary crap and people.

I don't understand the need for an elaborate celebration. The let's-throw-the-party-of-the-year, take-pictures-and-flood-Facebook-with-them, and never-stop-talking-about-it. Seriously? At the end of the day, it's just ONE day. It doesn't matter how frivolous and decadent it was, it's not the rest of your life. Attention whores.

Bodie, unfortunately, hasn't provided a footnote but has commented in italics.
And no, I don't look like a hobo/nerd on my birthday. That's only for the 364 days of the year.

Higher Education

2010-11-17T16:22:00.007+03:00

Ever since I've left school, I've always wanted to go back and get a Master's degree in something. I didn't care what it was; I just knew I wanted to be back in school. (Kids, the people weren't lying when they advised you to stay in school. I'm gonna go one better and tell you this little nugget: never graduate.) However, I wasn't the smartest dude when it came to getting a high enough GPA as I graduated with a below 3.0 average, which is nothing to write home about when it came to applying to a post graduate program. Or so I thought.

Study reveals the subtle dynamics underpinning how felines drink

That awesome headline is the beginning of the story of a four year study, conducted by researchers at MIT, Princeton, and Virginia Tech, concerning the dynamics of how felines, ne cats, drink water. Far from it for me to judge the intricacies of this phenomenon, but I'm pretty sure you really don't need four years to find out that when you pour water in the cat's bowl, he or she then proceeds to lick and lick until they are full.

Apparently, there's more. From the report:

But recent high-speed videos made by this team clearly reveal that the top of the cat’s tongue is the only surface to touch the liquid. Cats, unlike dogs, aren’t dipping their tongues into the liquid like ladles after all. Instead, the cat’s lapping mechanism is far more subtle and elegant. The smooth tip of the tongue barely touches the surface of the liquid before the cat rapidly draws its tongue back up. As it does so, a column of milk forms between the moving tongue and the liquid’s surface. The cat then closes its mouth, pinching off the top of the column for a nice drink, while keeping its chin dry.

These folks spent four years only to find out what every cat person already knows: cats are snobs. Four freaking years of doing that? Shit, if that's the case, I might as well apply to these schools. Think of the studies I can conduct, with conclusions that are a hell of a lot more interesting than "cats are snobs".

If its felines these folks are interested in, I can conduct research that may prove or disprove whether or not a cat has nine lives (extremely controversial and could lead to PETA shutting down my research as it may or may not involve the fatality of some cats), how come cats always land on their feet (may be a bit violent), and/or is a "Catwoman" really possible (controversies may be of a sexual nature in which case, Helllooooooo Nurse!).

Of course, my problem hasn't been the belief that I am not good enough for these schools. I am more than good enough. (Based on the research conducted, I think I should even be looking elsewhere.)

My problem stems from a far more personal place.

I'm too fucking lazy to apply.

Gym Etiquette

2010-11-11T15:26:00.003+03:00

This was supposed to be a post on my friend's website, TRYING TO BE FAHAD. Because he's trying to rid the world of fat people, he either a) never read it, b) didn't bother telling me he read it, or c) was eaten by a fat man in his never ending quest to eradicate fat men. That didn't deter me, because I have a blog. So here it is, in its glorious entirety.

I'm not like Fahad. I don't take into account every thing that goes into my body. (He treats his like a temple. Me? An amusement park.) I overindulge at lunch, take a bite of cake every now and then, and yes, Fahad, I do skip workouts. (I swear I feel like shit when I do. Please don't yell at me, MUF.)

In short, I'm a normal dude. (Cue cheesy Ford ad music.)

So, I was a bit shocked when the Ninja asked for my two cents on his blog. "What have I got to offer?" I asked myself.

Since I've been blessed with the gift of gab, I decided to do what anyone in my position would. I decided to wing it.

What I See When I Go To The Gym (Pet Peeves)

I've been going to the same gym for a while now. The equipment there is pretty standard stuff, its spacious, and, as someone who knows his workout, I don't bother with the subpar attitudes of some coaches. They act as if they own the place, but that's neither here nor there.

One of the things that irks me is when I go to the gym, iPhone set to a certain podcast and volume cranked WAY up on my beats, and I see someone I know. Look, I'm not saying I'm above talking at the gym. Get me within earshot of peeps talking football and I spend 45 minutes debating the merits of player X over player Y. HOWEVER, that is before I start my workout or after I finish. During workouts, I'm a man possessed. The only voice I wanna hear is Mr. Tony's.

This, apparently, either doesn't sit well with the people I know or they're not getting the memo of my plugging in my headphones every two seconds. "Please let me finish my workout," I think my action is saying. Apparently they hear, "Please continue your boring discourse on why I'm not doing this correctly and / or what steroids to inject to get to my optimal (read: pudgy and bloated) body shape."

My advice to the people reading this? When you see someone engrossed in his workout, please leave him be. He doesn't want your stories, advice, or even to be your workout partner because "my friend is out with his girlfriend o sa7ab 3alay."

And, for the love of God, please don't lambaste me with steroids advice.

If I want to look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Guy, I'll let you know.

Until that time comes, fuck off.

No seriously. Fuck off.

When Bodie is not yelling at his friends at the gym on this site, he writes on The Left Tit, a blog with quite possibly the best name ever. (Avenge the Virgins is a close second.)

The masses are asses.

2010-11-10T13:39:00.001+03:00

People are stupid. Whether they accept it or not, most of them are a bunch of dolts. Whether they use their brain or not, they’re stupid. The fact that you have a brain and choose not to use it also qualifies you as dumb by default.

As a person with similar intellect once said, “It rhymes so it must be true”. And surely it’s legitimate because it is one of L7’s acclaimed tracks.

A way to measure their level of idiocy, and my most favorable scale, is music. The music they listen to portrays their level of thinking. Now, I do understand this statement could create a lot of controversy but I have a point here somewhere so just bare with me dear readers. People listen to crappy music for two reasons: either it is what everyone else is listening to, or they really like it because they have no idea what lies beyond Lady GaGa and Lil Wayne. Moreover, they ARE idiots. They don’t know what smart/cool is if it hit them in the face. They conform and follow their “opinion leaders” without so much as thinking twice or of any other possibilities. They cannot think beyond what they know. This explains how Justin Bieber makes it to the top ten in more than one country and how Matt & Kim are nowhere to be seen on that chart.

Smart people who carry a book around or have a phone that isn’t a BlackBerry or an iPhone are derogatorily termed as “nerds” or “geeks”. Reading is suddenly the ultimate nerdy thing, discussing any topic that doesn’t include summer-Beirut-London, Flana’s wedding, and the girl that used to hang out with them but they fell out is also considered nerdy. Last but not last, how hectic ones social life is is what makes them oh so fly. Riiiiggghhht...

My philosophy in life basically revolves around the aforementioned statement.

My need to feel cool isn’t the Mean Girls way (oh yes, I just referenced Mean Girls on the Tit – brownie points), simply accepted for who I am with all my idiosyncrasies. Not just negatively labeled nerd over and over with the slight variation of geek. Seriously? I’m awesome. (And in my opinion, being a nerdy geek IS awesome but that’s just my biased self.) However, in a society where the coolest thing is having a tan, nose job, or an Hermes bag (or all of the above, and more than once) - I am clearly not on the cool scale. I do understand being fly is subjective to person, place, and circumstances. Nevertheless, there is a general accepted “cool”. The Beatles would be a perfect example.

Furthermore, it is not just in our lovely double standard, shallow society. It is basically an international epidemic. Mainstream America would be yet another on-the-spot example. (Palin, anyone?)

With that, I leave you.

I am eternally doomed to be misunderstood.

The Masses Are Asses - L7 (Little too punk for my taste, but here you go anyway)

The Eternal Struggle For Anti Americana

2010-11-10T05:29:00.000+03:00

I don't understand some people. (How could they not think I'm awesome?! HOW??)

They try to distance themselves from being labeled as the norm, wanting to become unique and exceptional and awesome that they become what they dread the most.

They become the norm. As Ex-clamation Mark would put it, Le gasp! (She'd use hashtags too.)

A certain sect of these people who I detest, and find hypocritical to the max, are those that preach anti American sentiments while being covered head to toe in Americana. If you listen to the Ricky Gervais Podcast on your iPod while sipping your Starbucks Mocha Frappucino, guess what? You are as American as apple pie.

What these people fail to realize is that Americans are the worst proponents of anti Americanism. It is they who do the best job of glorifying exported products, whether it is the British version of The Office or the Taiwanese organic bath soap they bought at Geant.

Giant corporations want you to do that. They want you to overpay for exports and think that American products are trash because, in the end, your money goes straight to their Italian clothed pockets. Trying to branch out and be the odd person in a supposedly conformist world is pretty fucking conformist if you ask me. (I know you didn't, but you're reading this. Ergo, you care what I think. Thank you I accept your apology.)

The most heinous example of this is the story about the jihadists that met at a Starbucks to discuss the downfall of America and the Zionist regime. At a Starbucks? In the words of Seth Meyers, who used to work with Tina Fey at SNL and Weekend Update (brownie points for bringing Tina Fey into this Ed!), REALLY?

Do me (and yourself, but mostly me) a favor. The next time you're discussing the merits of the new Chinese soap you're using and how its so much better than Dove (or any other mainstream product) because its "organic and not like that American shit I used to use", read the label. I'm pretty sure its gonna say something like P&G or Unilever.

What you have failed to realize, Mr. Anti America, is that by researching and distancing yourself from mainstream products and ideologies, you have exercised your right as a consumer. That's a pretty American sentiment if you ask me.

In fact, its as American as apple pie.

Startling Revelations

2010-11-08T14:30:00.000+03:00

There’s a lot I cannot stand but this? This is unbearable. You see, I believe that everyone should know, accurately, how smart (or dumb) he or she is. Confidence is one thing but delusion? Yeah.

My tolerance level reaches an alarming breaking point when one is deluded to the extent that they share an idea on the basis of it being astonishing. It goes something like this “I realized that most of the girls I know do this and that, therefore, all girls feel the need to this and that too.” Wow, he (in my head, it’s a man) cracked the secret. Give him a Nobel Prize. These “ideas” are mostly, but not definitely, sexist.

Now, I’m not a person whom calls out sexists on their opinions and makes theatrical scenes about it, but I simply cannot stand when a guy goes “Girls can’t say what they want in public and that’s why they are so profane on the Internet.”

Moving on, the phenomenal “theory” is then posted on an egotistical blog that is founded on the simpleton’s mind-boggling thoughts, which are less than mediocre to say the least.

My main conundrum is not ill generalizations, but the fact that they really do think of them as “valuable” content worth posting about. Of course, valuable is subjective but, being the person that I am, I have the blessing of seeing things objectively (chyeah!) and I get to decide whether or not the content is valuable. (As an editor, this is basically what I do here on the blog, with the occasional awesome post. It's my raison d'etre.)

The generalizations go back to Arabs and their pride; their self-worth. We already have this pre-established cockiness that makes us who we are. Call it the rich history, the way we were raised, our “rich” countries, or all of the above. It really makes us feel superior and more knowledgeable than others and we just have to mention our opinions. (I'm not saying this is cool, but, hey, if the shoe fits, why fight it? UP TOP ARABS!)

However, this could go both ways. I mostly blame the environment (Of course I would; who wouldn’t?). The people in our societies are conservative: any idea that does not coincide or relate to religion or culture is simply not preferable. People don’t want to go there (or, in the immortal words of LIz Lemon, who Bodie constantly compares me to, go TO there) and be shunned from the clan. It’s just who we are. In fact, in this region? The case could be made that any idea that is actually shared feels like an absolute accomplishment.

Whether or not that idea should be broadcast on the Internet for the entire world to see is a different matter altogether.

Bodie's footnote: To the best of my knowledge, my editor was not talking about me. Even if that were the case, I'd be remiss not to mention that I am also an Arab and therefore feel entitled to voice my opinion on any matter, however minuscule, and that this blog is my platform to do so. (Chyeah!)

Free Weezy

2010-11-05T11:12:00.003+03:00

"I just really hope that you’d think of me
‘Cause I’m trynna be unforgettable" - Drake, Unforgettable

Yesterday, the Internet was buzzing with both the release of Lil Wayne from prison and Diddy's birthday. Now the fact that those two events occurred on the same day is a story for another post (*cough* Conspiracy *cough*), but the other, more puzzling fact to me is that people were celebrating the release of a felon- an admitted one since he, oh by the way, plead guilty to the charges of marijuana and carrying a concealed weapon.

What is wrong with us as people when we glorify criminals because they make music, movies, and other forms of entertainment? More to the point, if Lil Wayne WAS an accomplished musician, rather than one who the masses currently consume, would we even care? Should we?

FACT: Lil Wayne had marijuana on his person. FACT: He was carrying a concealed weapon. Remove the fact that Lil Wayne makes awesome music, and he'd be Dwayne Carter, convicted felon. Would this even make as much news as it did? More to the point, would we even petition to #FreeWeezy?

We should learn how to separate the artist from his art, no matter how much his art rings true to the persona he is, and in the case of Carter, successfully cultivating. He preaches about being a gangster and killing people (that gun he was carrying wasn't a show pistol), so why are we surprised when he ends up in jail?

This is not the first time Lil Wayne has been in jail. This won't be his last, either.

I wonder, in 20 years, when a blurb about Dwayne Carter going to jail appears in one of the newspapers, would we as fans of his rap persona Lil Wayne even care? Or would we shrug it off, pay it no mind, and continue listening to The Astronomical Kid?

Like his protege says, all Lil Wayne hopes at that point is that we think of him.

After all, he wants to be unforgettable.

In this atmosphere? Ha. Fat chance.

We've Got A Situation

2010-11-04T10:06:00.002+03:00

I'm not a fan of reality television, and its not for lack of trying.

I have tried to get into it, tried valiantly, and I blame Bill Simmons for unleashing this need to do so.

You see, I couldn't care less about the characters on these so called reality shows. I mean, sure, I know who they are and have a working, basic knowledge of what it is they do (or claim to do) which I get from listening to various podcasts, reading New York Magazine online, and, you know, being alive, but I'm not exactly what you call an expert.

The only reality show I tried watching was Jersey Shore (failed miserably by the way), and that was only because of listening to Simmons and Dave Jacoby rant about it ad nauseam.

Then, yesterday, I found out that Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino made five million dollars last year.

Exactly. Fuck my life.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, fuck my life. I mean, after all, according to YouTube sensation Khalid Dolce (I use the term sensation fairly loosely), I am nothing but a racist Kuwaiti who is mean to his Filipino maid because, and I quote- oh dear God do I quote- "THE HOUSEHOLD IS BEING A BITCH."

Yes, people of Kuwait, apparently, in all "9eriou9ness", "there is a big fat bitch" in all our houses, and we are quite possibly "the most hated, most ra9i9t country in the worl'". (His English puts George Will's to shame.)

Sadly, evidence of this is, as far as I know, been removed by the wonderful auteur known as Khalid Dolce (pronounced Dol9, and not like the designer as previously thought by yours truly). This is a travesty in my opinion.

Imagine there was some MTV executive who wanted to pitch a show about Arab stereotypes who was surfing YouTube and happened to fall on this video. He would see the potential in this guy, the poring douchiness, the androgynous, obvious faggotry emanating from Khalid's pores, and at least call him up for an audition. He would probably even probe Khalid's mind for some ideas on how to incorporate some of the skits from his channel onto the show, maybe hire him to write a few episodes. (Them shows are obviously scripted.)

Now all this is for naught because Khalid Dolce committed the ultimate no-no in reality television, taught in RT 101 by Professor Omarosa: don't be ashamed. The more hate you generate, the more dollars you create.

I hope Khalid is reading this. I hope his reaction to this is another quotable line, like his many from the various videos.

Something like, "Are you kidding me?"

Or like he would say it, "Na3am? Escoooosss me?!"

UPDATE: It's been changed to "I couldn't care less."

This.

2010-11-03T17:08:00.000+03:00

http://goo.gl/mwyMT

Sums it all up. I can't even...

Four Letter Words

2010-11-02T09:02:00.002+03:00

This was supposed to be a comment on someone else's post, but I liked it so much, I decided to post it here instead. More to come, by the way.

As someone who publishes his own profanity laced blog, I can tell you that it fucking irks me when I get judged based on the fact that I use profanity (and quite well I might add.) Look, swearing and cussing is a matter of preference, and I don't subscribe to the adage that if you do swear, then you're just being sophomoric and immature. There's a time and place for profanity, no doubt, but the folks on Twitter who use it to vent are just being hypocrites. Your twitter persona should be an extension of who you are in real life in my opinion and saying you use twitter to vent and express your feelings in this (not quite profane if you're gonna censor your cuss words, making ME fucking say them out loud) manner is bullshit.

Profanity is well within everyone's rights, whether on twitter or in real life. Don't skirt the issue. Use it or don't. In all your walks of life.

Shitbird.

How To Pull Off A Con

2010-11-01T10:27:00.002+03:00

"What we are able to determine is that Charlie had an adverse reaction to some medication and was taken to the hospital, where he is expected to be released tomorrow."

Read that quote. On the surface it doesn't seem like much, does it? So this "Charlie" fella had an adverse reaction to some meds. Big whup. He probably broke out in hives and maybe was hyperventilating for a bit.

You couldn't be more wrong.

Because this "Charlie" is Charlie Sheen, the adverse reaction to the medication manifested in him damaging $7,000 of his Plaza Hotel suite, which he apparently was sharing with Capri Anderson, an escort who's, oh by the way, very easy on the eyes. As my main man Tony Kornheiser put it, Charlie might be dumb, but he ain't no fool.

It gets better.

Apparently this was happening just meters away from where Sheen's ex wife, Denise Richards (also easy on the eyes, but her drawback is that she is crazy- and not the good kind of crazy either), and his two kids were staying. The family- and that includes the entire Sheen clan with brother Emilio Estevez and father Martin Sheen- was in New York for a family retreat. Charlie being Charlie, he didn't see any problem in partaking in some extra curricular activities.

The night was going on pretty well until Charlie couldn't find his wallet. Apparently, Charlie hates losing his wallet because it would hinder his ability to buy more booze and cocaine, two major staples of the Sheen diet (no word whether "pussy" is part of that diet, but I'm willing to bet the dude munches on his fair share of punani). That's when all hell broke loose, and a naked Charlie began to throw things at a naked Capri, who had to escape to the bathroom to call hotel security. Of course, none of the parties involved are pressing charges against Sheen, because he's awesome like that.

The awesome doesn't stop there, since the above quote was uttered by Sheen's publicist, who clearly knows how to sell stuff. He'd probably sell gum at a lockjaw ward. (Thanks Boiler Room.) That line is probably the best con job this side of Marion Barry, who, in the 1990s, shrugged off a crack cocaine charge- complete with video evidence- to be reelected as the mayor of Washington DC. Twice.

Of course, to me, the most important question would be what medication was Charlie on? And where oh where can I score some of that?

Flu Like Symptoms

2010-10-28T16:04:00.001+03:00

Now that the fall season is upon us in Kuwait (ie there is no more beach or hardly any anyway), the universe has decided to ruin my weekend in other ways. I gots the flu, yo.

The flu is the worst disease known to man. While it is not as drastic as, say, cancer or AIDS, the bitch attacks you sporadically and always on a whim. It's the disease that keeps on diseasing. (Not a word I know, but I can take liberties God damn it! I'm sick.) When I'm struck with the flu, I tend to always fight it and get out of bed and try to be active, try to sweat the bitch out of my system. It works like a charm until the flu calls in reinforcements.

What reinforcements? Drugs.

Flu medicine is the greatest thing in the world. There is the crystal meth of flu medicine, also known as NyQuil, which, truth be told, deserves a post of its own. The shit hasn't made it to Kuwait yet, and probably will never, but back in the States, that was a major food group for me. (My name is Bodie and I am a junkie.)

NyQuil, in its liquid form, is the greatest invention in a bottle. What's more, you didn't need a prescription for that stuff. AND IT WORKED! Two sips of NyQuil and it was bye bye flu!!

I'm gonna stop reminiscing about NyQuil for fear of me causing a commotion at work. Breathe, Bodie. Breathe. Damn you elixir of joy!

Since I am not in the US, and have to make do with what I have, which is no NyQuil but still really good, the flu leaves my system in two days. Those two days are a heavy mixture of liquids, sweat, and sweet sweet Actifed, which sadly is only available in pill form as far as I know. (Anyone with news of a liquid Actifed contact me as soon as possible por favor!)

Typical. I talk about something, and the conversation veers into drugs.

My name is Bodie and I am a junkie.

Guys Are the Worst I

2010-10-28T01:30:00.001+03:00

Girls are bad - that is clearly well established around here. What isn’t attested for is how guys are the worst.

Before I delve deep into the matter, I’ve been requested to introduce myself. I’m the Editor Bodie has talked about in a previous post. Bodie got himself an editor for when he actually writes a book (…soon yeah? Yeah.) My contribution to the blog isn’t quite clear to us yet but we’ll keep you posted. Pun. While I do acknowledge the masculine feel of the blog, who is to say a girl cannot get in on the fun, right? I guess I’ll be the “right” –ehm- tit. Anyway, enough about me & back to the subject at hand…

I have neatly split them up in a couple of categories.*

First up, we have the hopeless-romantic drama king. You know the one. A guy that truly believes in the notion of love in every way possible. He is the kind of guy that will jump off a bridge to prove his undying love for a girl. Oh the irony. He will tolerate a ridiculous level of drama under the false impression that this is what one does when in love.

Our protagonist is not only naïve, he’s emotional to boot. He's what we would call a “sheep”, too easily led by the girl he’s with, like a ring on her finger.

The hopeless-romantic drama king loves women, talking with women, and everything-women. A sap. (Not to be confused with the Mama’s Boy**)

Most guys lovingly label him as a fag, mostly for being pathetically emotional & creating more drama than a girl. Le gasp! Yes, c’est possible.

Then you have the sleazy deluded cheese ball that's notorious for cheesy pick-up lines that make you prefer being beaten to death with a stick than actually having to listen to his crap. He’s the kind of guy that will do anything to “score”. Sexually harass, stalk; you name it. He simply won’t take no for an answer. The determination and willpower this guy has got is impressive. There’s no need to point out that this guy has no self-respect. Call it humility if you will.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have the smooth talkin' playa. He’s hot, charming, and he knows it. He’s the type of guy that gets his way with any girl. The guy most guys deludedly think they are.

The smooth talkin’ playa has girls throwing themselves at him, flings, and, incredibly, manages to get out of anything serious completely unharmed. He likes to keep girls hanging, wondering when he’s going to break it off with them. His philosophy in life is: get wasted, don’t commit to anything or get caught, and have fun.

That’s all I got from the top of my head. Got any more types for me?

*These categories may or may not apply to some guys. Obviously, this doesn’t cover all men out there so spare me the don’t generalize speech.

**The Mama’s boy deserves a complete post on its own.

What I Do

2010-10-27T09:54:00.002+03:00

When Bodie is not writing this blog (however sporadic that may be), he is a copywriter at an advertising agency. Bodie is not one to talk about his real life alter ego because, Bodie thinks, that guy gets all the credit Bodie thinks he so richly deserves. However, sometimes, Bodie and his real life alter ego's paths do cross. You all know that Bodie is a hoops junkie and that Bodie is excited about the start of the new NBA season. So far, after day one, one thing we know for sure is that LeBron James and the Miami Heat are not going undefeated. It would be impossible, unless David Stern decides to give the Heat a mulligan on their first game, an 88-80 loss to the Boston Celtics (Don't put it past him).

Another thing the season has brought is the assertion that Nike and their advertising agency, Weiden+Kennedy, do amazing ads. Here's the latest LeBron commercial. Can you guess who LeBron James is talking about?

Note: Bodie spoke in the third person as an homage to LeBron James and athletes of his ilk and stature, who have perfected speaking about themselves in the third person. Also, Bodie spoke that way because it is fun and extremely addictive. Bodie isn't saying he's gonna post like this all the time, but Bodie will often times refer to himself in the third person. Bodie thinks if you don't like it, you can go fuck yourself.

Spare Me Feminism

2010-10-25T11:03:00.002+03:00

Feminists are dumb.

I was thinking about this a few weeks ago, and try as I might, I couldn't shake the conclusion that most feminists, and in fact the whole feminism movement and its protagonists, are misguided. Instead of adopting the mantra of hating men and burning bras to prove to men that they won't be shackled by their ideals, they should look a little deeper and examine the true enemy of feminism.

Other women.

Blaming men for your suppression and saying that a world devoid of man would be a better world to live in is not being a feminist. It's being an apologist. A true feminist's enemy would be the woman who, instead of relying on her brain and her achievements to get to where she wants to be, relies on her feminine charms. Sure, you get to where you want to be and score a short term win. You're still, however, suppressed. And fucked.

I know that men aren't entirely devoid of blame. Surely, we're bastards and some of us still hold on to the notion that a woman's place is in the kitchen and have based an entire philosophy to keep women there. However, we can (and fucking do bitches) get away with it because you bitches let us. You squabble about what dress to wear, who slept with who, which celebrity hairstyle to adopt for the fall. Meanwhile, men squabble about how to get ahead in business, how to fuck the hottest models, and which teams are gonna win the NBA championship. Sure two of those things are as fucking petty as the things women squabble about, but 1 out of 3 is more than I can say for you bitches.

ANOTHER THING! Make up your fucking mind bitch. Do you want to be coddled and pampered by us men or do you want to become our equals? You can't have it both ways. Only bisexuals and transgenders can, and they're even more suppressed than you are.

I'm gonna stop now before my new editor chops my head off with a MACHETE! (Yes y'all Bodie got an editor. She'll post something in the near future. Maybe.)

In the meantime, I'm hungry. Make me a sandwich.

Bitch. (My plan is to never get laid.)

Twitter Overkill

2010-10-24T10:09:00.004+03:00

As most of you know, I am addicted to the Twitter. The random bursts of what people are thinking and what goes on inside their head is enlightening, perverted, and just plain amusing. (Yes I'm mostly talking about my tweets, which never fail to bring the funny.) However, recently, another phenomena has taken over Twitter, and its fucking scary.

People are taking Twitter too seriously. Like I tweeted yesterday, Twitter is not meant to be taken seriously. Your "tweeps" don't follow you to be ridiculed, nor do they follow you to make fun of you. (For the most part.) Twitter is a social medium where people jot down their thoughts, how they are feeling, in an effort to tell their followers, and hopefully, make a fucking connection. Only rappers and athletes use Twitter to get laid (successfully), and as far as I know, no one has met their significant other on Twitter. (Not for lack of trying I might add.)

I'm way over my 140 character limit for a post about Twitter, so I'm gonna summarize. Don't take Twitter too seriously. Oh, and follow me.

Bitches.

Original Sin

2010-10-13T09:46:00.002+03:00

Recently there was a lot of talk (well not really a lot but it was between many of my followers) about the Adam's apple. Because my mind works in mysterious ways, it got me thinking about the origin of the phrase, "Bitch be trippin."

This one's a doozy folks. If you thought "bitch be trippin'" was first said when some rapper (obscure of course, one only true hip hop heads would know) used it in a rhyme on a freestyle, son, you be trippin. Adam was the first dude who used that phrase.

This dude was living in heaven. Actual heaven. Not some island locale we humans describe as "heaven." This dude was in the actual place. Had it all to himself basically.

Now, of course, he had to share it with Eve, which wasn't really a bad deal at first. She was the first woman, so by default she's the hottest- chick was the Megan Fox of her time.

And, you know, Adam provided for her. He gave her whatever she needed (Well, God did.). They only had one rule.

You can't eat the forbidden fruit.

That's it! All you gotta do is stay away from this one tree, and you're coasting all eternity and spending it in heaven. Of course, Eve had other plans.

Eve wanted Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. Mind you, SHE didn't want to eat it; she wanted him to eat it. If you think this was done in the course of a couple of hours, you're mistaken. This took weeks, son.

Of course, chick started trippin, talking about how Adam ain't no man and if he was, he'd provide for her and do what she wanted... to prove that he loved her. (Chick couldn't stand that God was Adam's first love, but that's another story for another day.)

Adam, of course, had to give in at some point. He couldn't leave Eve for another woman because there wasn't any. He couldn't cool off at a strip club or a bar or anything. Dude couldn't even watch football for a few hours because that shit hadn't been invented yet. So, of course, he finally gave in, ate the apple, and was booted out of heaven and onto earth.

Now, there was no TMZ back in the day. Barbara Walters and Oprah's greatest ancestors were just figments of Adam's subconscious. However, I'm willing to bet that if anyone ever asked Adam WHY he ate the apple, he'd simply say, "Bitch be trippin."

What The Hell Is The Event? Why Am I Supposed To Care?

2010-09-23T10:46:00.002+03:00

It's pilot season in America (no, it's not like you have to appreciate an airplane pilot, although that should be the case if they ever decide to use the invisible plane.. More on this below), and one of the most hyped up pilots this season is NBC's The Event.

Don't believe the hype.

First of all, for a show that is called The Event, they don't do a very good job of telling you what the event is. All I see are snippets of people's lives, repeated flashbacks that so far make no sense to the narrative, and what's worse, I could give a fuck about any of these people. In fact, I barely remember any of them.

Here's the thing, though. The fuckers who wrote the show knew that all it took for me to give The Event a second chance was a fantastic ending, and boy, did they deliver. It was a fucking shit show of an ending, but I really wanna know what the fuck happened to the plane THAT WAS EATEN BY THE VORTEX OPENING UP IN THE SKY as the plane descended on Coral Gables, where the American president, who's originally Cuban because TV shows live in the year 3000, is having a birthday party for his kid.

That ladies and gentlemen is how you end a pilot.

However, the first 40 minutes of the show are not how you make a successful TV show.

Speaking of planes, the geniuses at Airbus decided to make a concept plane of some consequence. What's the "catch"? The shit is invisible.

Memo to Airbus: This is not how you get more people to fly, FYI. It's a fucked up concept that might look cool on a TV show like, oh say, The Event, but in real life? Good luck getting people to fly on that shit.

The pilot can basically flip a switch and the skin of the airplane disappears, allowing travelers to look at the sky above or THE FUCKING GROUND below. You know, the ground that is 10000 feet below.

Like the Event, it's a very hyped up idea that is flawed in the execution.

Please Don't Adjust Your Screens

2010-09-20T16:12:00.002+03:00

Digital Fever has finally hit Kuwait.

The problem is that Kuwait sucks at it.

I saw an ad for the paper yesterday about job openings at Kuwait University, and my aunt told me I should apply there. There's one caveat, though: you gotta do everything online.

Now, I'm not shy about posting information online, but there's one thing that has to be in place. The shit has to fucking work!!

Now I know some folks who go to school at KU, and so I have heard their horror stories about that shit. Registrations that don't go through, freezing servers in the middle of sessions, shit like that.

Now, my question to KU is, why even bother doing stuff online if you suck at it? Seriously, if your aim is to curb the crowds at the physical university site then you're doing a really bad fucking job, dude who runs IT at KU. Most of the time, the shit doesn't connect, which would make folks pissed the fuck off, which would make them reject the online method you are preaching.

Of course, that doesn't deter the powers that be of saying that online is the only way to go, that there's no other way to do shit at KU except through their shit show of a website. Now, I got a job, and I can afford to not apply. But I fucking want to.

That's why I'm pissed right now.

Before, when I heard about the horror of online transactions at Kuwait University, I'd snicker and laugh and think nothing of it. Now? Now that it's happening to me?

Bitches gotta pay, yo.

Sleep Waking Is Bad For The Soul

2010-09-08T13:14:00.002+03:00

What the fuck is wrong with me today? I cannot, for the life of me, shake this feeling of sleep. It's been almost 5 hours that I've been awake and at my job, but I still feel like I'm asleep. What is this new phenomenon?

Because I am a genius, and because this is my blog where I can write whatever I want, I came up with the term "Sleep Waking." It's when you're basically comatose but your body doesn't know it. Your brain is a step slower (I now see how pitiful average people are. Y'all are a drain on the creativity pool, and I pity you), and your body is a little behind in reacting to things. It is an absolute travesty.

The cure for sleep waking, of course, is sleep. Not to sound like Admiral Obvious (he got promoted), but the only way to defeat sleep waking is to sleep. Sure, this concept is obvious to readers of this blog, but it is lost on managers and bosses. It is our job to enlighten them of this phenomenon.

The effects of sleep waking include, but are in no way, shape or form limited to, not giving a fuck, staring emptily into space, not giving a fuck, constant ticks and involuntary movements, and finally, NOT GIVING A FUCK.

Sleep wakers only have one thing on their mind. They are dogged by the pursuit of sleep. It's like when a crack head is scratching and clawing, doing whatever it takes to get that last hit. The only thing that is different is that sleep is a drug that you can't quit. It's physiologically impossible.

Sure you can go prolonged periods without it (often aided by stimulants of some sort), but its gonna get you. You can't quit sleep even if you tried. Trust me, I have tried. The bitch has always won.

You know what, though?

I always let her.

Rants Anonymous

2010-09-07T13:44:00.002+03:00

I don't know what I want to write about. All I know is that I'm in the mood to write. This post is gonna be jumpy and all over the place (just like all the other ones on this blog obviously) but the main thing you need to know is that this post isn't meant to decode something or enlighten. This here is just a rant.

Twitter has officially become an obsession of mine. If you want to read the ramblings of yours truly (albeit confined to 140 characters, but a lot of swearing, and a lot of back and forth with people who I don't really know in real life... just like a lot of you- if there are a lot of you reading this of course- don't (may not) know me in real life. Basically I'm just saying my twitter account is another avenue for you to marvel at the genius that is me. (Present post notwithstanding.)

There hasn't been much to report sobre myself. I'm going to London in a few so there's that, but I don't know, lately I've been so fucking blah. (And no I promise I won't turn this blog into a forum of my discontent. I am not a whiny little bitch who wants people to feel sorry for his sorry ass because he's not feeling the love. Like I said, this post is an exception, an anomaly, a "I feel like writing so damn it I'm so fucking gonna" post.)

End rant.

Entourage: Don't Believe The Hype

2010-08-31T11:31:00.002+03:00

Ho hum.

Another day, another Bodie post about a TV show. (This one has curse words though. Four letter weapons of mass destruction and shit.)

Because I am a masochist, and because I love watching the women with the titties hanging out, I still watch Entourage. If you're not as bat shit insane as I am, you have jumped off the wagon a long time ago, maybe after Vince fired Ari.

For those who don't watch it, this is the show in a nutshell: Vince is an actor who moves with his buddies from New York to Hollywood. Apparently the dude is a good actor, but judging from the guy who plays him, he's really not. They show you the troubles and successes that an actor sees, and then resolve every plot in the span of 30 minutes. (There was an episode recently where the plot revolved around Vince getting a haircut and everyone freaking out. Of course it was all resolved by the end. Shoot me now!)

Anyway, the reason I'm writing is that, supposedly, this season is a bit different. Let me burst that bubble: It's really not. Sure, the Sasha Grey / Vince dating a porn star angle is cool for 2 episodes, but it has ran its course in my opinion. They buried the interesting part of it, which is Vince is slowly becoming a cocaine addict (although last episode's cliff hanger of Lloyd finding the coke could right that ship). Another thing they should be devoting more time to is Ari's story, since, you know, he is the most compelling character on the show.

I know, you're all thinking, fuck Bodie, just quit watching.

I can't. The truth is, my name is Bodie, and I'm a television addict. (Plus next season is the last one ever.)

The National Nightmare is Ovaaaaaaa

2010-08-08T12:27:00.002+03:00

Over the weekend, Barcelona finally called off the dogs in their pursuit of Arsenal midfielder Cesc Fabregas. I think I speak for both Arsenal and Barcelona supporters when I say, thank GOD!

I'm sad as much as anyone that we didn't get Cesc, but enough is enough. What was a comical endeavor 3 weeks ago was just plain getting on my nerves. It got to the point where I wanted Barca to ditch the guy altogether.

I still think this is the most logical move when you have two sides that are unwilling to negotiate with one another. Next summer apparently is the time he makes his move, but do you really trust Arsene Wenger after what happened this summer? First he says no way, then he says he wants Cristiano money (which is preposterous), then he goes back to he's not for sale, all the while knowing that Cesc is not gonna speak his mind for fear of injuring one or both parties.

Its clear where Cesc wants to go, he says as much in his official statement. He also admitted that he understood that it was Arsenal's prerogative not to sell, and that his conversations with Wenger basically amounted to, "If they give us a little more money for you, you can go."

I tweeted this a while back, but its worth repeating here. Barca should ditch Golden Boy Cesc and go after Mesut Ozil this summer and Javier Pastore of Palermo the next. We can't take Wenger on his word that Cesc is coming next summer, and quite frankly, I think both players are better from a talent standpoint. Cesc is very talented, one of the best at his position, but this pursuit is driven purely on the point that Cesc was a Barcelona youth player and a Catalan, so FCB is where he belongs.

If this was purely business, then getting Ozil and Pastore is a better deal for us in the long run. Both are younger players who have yet to reach their primes, while Cesc is 23 with a lot of miles and was coming off an injury (which is another reason Rosell didn't want to pay 45 for the guy in the first place).

My plea to Barca is to forget about Cesc, make him come to us, so to speak. If he truly wants to leave, and this is truly where his heart lies, hand in a transfer request. Only then do we pursue him. The cat and mouse with Wenger is going nowhere.

For now, for the future, we should go after the younger Ozil and Pastore, two players who have expressed a desire to come here.

The Super Duper Guide to Losing Fat and Maintaining Muscle in Ramadan

2010-08-01T13:00:00.002+03:00

This post was written by a friend of mine on 2:48AM. (I hate the main blogger on that site with a passion, but I really like this friend of mine, and his articles (with my edits of course) are always on point.) However, because that blog has an audience, he doesn't think that excessive swearing and alienating of a particular segment of the audience, faggots, is prohibited. (Yet he fucking calls himself the FAG SLAYER. Go figure.) While you can read the nutritional know how on the main site, here's a reprint of the intro and the conclusion as I saw them. Enjoy, faggots.

I would first like to apologize for my long absence from the world of blogging and greatly appreciate all my supporting readers for being patient and understanding. I would also like to thank you all for putting up with my crap and style of writing, which by-the-way will only get worse. [I've stated this a million times. If you're not cool with my homophobic nature, then don't read me. I should warn you, though. You're gonna miss out on some epic nutrition advice, which only means that, while I'm lean and mean and getting your ladies, you're gonna be a fat tub of lard. And that's all because you wanted to be a homosexual sympathizer during the holy month of Ramadan, so not only will you go to hell, but you'll be all fat when you get there. That's a double whammy of suckitude.]

Personally, I wouldn't wish the Super Duper Fat Gain Diet on anyone (except homosexual heathens). I do recommend options one and two, and I think your body (and Allah!) would too. Remember the goal of Ramadan is not to consume copious amounts of food as a reward for not eating from sunrise to sunset, but what the hell. If you want to do it, I won't stop you.

Your body, however, certainly will by making you fall flat on your big fat ass and letting you lay there until your fat cousins see you and decide to eat you.

Scientists, Take A Stand

2010-07-15T12:48:00.002+03:00

So apparently, some scientists have figured out the answer to the question of which came first: the chicken or the egg. Personally, I think its a load of bullshit.

They do too.

If you notice the asterisk after the headline, it appears that these fucks never even took a stand. Colin Freeman, the lead scientist if you want to call him that, had this to say:

"Obviously, it's not really what we were trying to get out of our simulations, but it's an interesting question isn't it?"

This guy is a fucking joke. He is also in direct opposition of one of my favorite rules: If you happen to do something cool, even if it was by mistake, you should act like a white man and take credit for it. This Colin dude (obviously a white guy, which is not in the least bit racist by the way) is a fucking disgrace to the white race. If it was me, I'd have been like, "Who cares who came first? This shit basically means I can come forever. I'm the smartest mother fucker alive, bitches. Now blow me, Sara!" (This is a hypothetical situation where I am Colin Freeman, and I chose Telecinco to do my first interview (in fucking Spanish) with Sara Carbonero.)

The real Colin Freeman? He did this:

"The quote my colleague John Harding always says is, 'could we ever be as clever as algae?'" Freeman said.

In your case, Colin? No I guess we cannot.

Asshole.

Miamiocalypto

2010-07-13T09:41:00.002+03:00

Damn me and my sporadic posts. I know I know; I'm as perplexed as you are. (Jesus what's up with the big fucking words?!)

I've been a bit busy with the World Cup (La Furia represent!) and work has been driving me bat shit insane, so I apologize for the break.

The thing that has gotten me anxious to write is the "Holy Trinity" in Miami. Yes, Miami, my fair city of the last three years and a mecca of douchebaggery, just got a whole lot of douche, in the person of LeBron James.

I'm not a big fan of LeBron, but even I know he is the most talented basketball player alive. Now, how that talent manifests itself in the form of rings I don't know, but I do know that with this move to the Heat, James can no longer be in the running for the greatest of all time. The fact that he moved to Miami to team up with Dwyane Wade is basically him saying he doesn't want to be top dog.

I don't think this team is all that, to tell you the truth. The analogy has been made to the Celtics of 2008, when Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett joined Paul Pierce and won the championship. However, that team had players. James Posey - who won a championship two years prior with the Heat, Eddie House, and Leon Powe were serviceable guys off the bench. Kendrick Perkins is a good, not great, starting center. Rajon Rondo, the much maligned starter of 2008, is now one of the top five point guards in the league. In fact, when the Cleveland Cavaliers were knocked out by the Celtics in last year's playoffs, you can argue that Rondo was the best player in the series, a series that had LeBron James on the floor as well.

My prognosis for this Heat team, at least for next year, is that they are a regular season behemoth who gets exposed by the Chicago Bulls or Orlando Magic. (Speaking of the Bulls, if LeBron was really about winning, he would have joined them. Instead, he wanted to go to South Beach (his words). I don't blame him, but still, you can't say you want to win and not go to the team that makes the most sense from a winning standpoint.)

My question to LeBron is this, how is that different from your Cleveland teams of the last few years?

Oh right.

Warmer weather.

And bitches.

Fiending

2010-07-02T20:57:00.003+03:00

What is it about our phones that scares us? Is it the fact that we love them so much- love using them so much- that we end up paying for it come bill time?

We get attached to them so much that they end up running our lives for us. How many people do you know that can't live without their phones? How many of them- just today- have told you that they feel lost without their phone?

I think its time to change that. Its time to show your phone who's boss.

Tell your phone to stick it where the sun don't shine. You're doing things your way now, and as soon as you tell your friends about your plan, it's on phone!

But how can you tell your friends your plans without calling them?

Junkies

2010-06-24T16:10:00.002+03:00

I'm turning 27 next week, and its about time I start gauging my life and how far I've come. I think the age of 27 is as valid an age as any to start contemplating life, where do we go from here, what does the future hold, and all that existential shit.

Just kidding. At 27 all I can think about is how fucked up am I getting tonight!!

I started reading Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace, after having it collect dust on my bookshelf for the better part of a year, and I'm really glad I did. It was between that and reading the Steig Larrson trilogy, and as I was reading the beginning of Jest, I started to regret and wanted to put the book away, when BAM! (Thank you Dan Le Batard), he started talking about a junkie. Now this was about 10 pages into a 1000 page book (with fucking footnotes!), so I don't know where the fuck we go from here, but the book looks promising.

He talks in the first person about a junkie who is awaiting the arrival of some chick with about 125o worth of weed (which is a lot of weed, about .2 pounds I think), and the anticipation of this event took me back to when I eagerly awaited my drugs.

Man was that wait agonizing! Now, sure, the dudes I dealt with were pretty on point (well except late at night, but yeah...), but even if the wait was 15 minutes or 3 hours, that shit was pretty antsy.

I'm gonna post about the book sporadically, so stay tuned to this space for more.

Now, excuse me, a junkie needs his Jest fix.

Fuck The Little Guy

2010-06-01T13:40:00.002+03:00

This story from the New York Times is fucked up.

You can apparently get sued for complaining against a company on the Internet. There's a certain thing called a Slapp suit, or strategic lawsuit against public participation. Basically, if you post anything complaining about a company or service, then that company can sue you for defamation and slander, which is code for utter and pure bullshit.

Hey company that wants to scare me, fuck you. If you think Slapping me with a suit is going to stop me from saying that your service sucks (I'm looking at you, Baking Tray, but I miss you. Oh so so much.), then you don't know jack.

Nor, apparently, do you know how to service correctly. Faster service leads to more customers, people. It also leads to faster turnaround. If people get their food faster, then they can eat faster and thereby free up the table so more customers can eat your deliciously awesome food. More customers means more money generated. Why is this difficult for you people to understand? Fuck, that was a long tangent.

Anyway, what's interesting about these Slapps is that the company filing them doesn't want to win. They just want to scare people into not complaining. That just adds insult to injury.

You know what stops people from complaining?

Fixing the problem.

Side Effects Of Super Serum

2010-05-28T01:42:00.002+03:00

This story is all kinds of awesome.

I love me a good superhero story, and I especially love a superhero story gone wrong. Dr. Adamcik (yes ladies he's a doctor), dressed to the nines as America's favorite super soldier, with an object to augment his "super organ" to boot decided to have a little too much alcohol mixed in with his fun. The blog post above illustrates the story better than I will here (because it's 2 AM and I'm still suffering from writer's block), but I just wanted to share the best sentence ever written with you guys.

The woman called police and, when they arrived, the officers wrote in their report "there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America's were asked to go outside for a possible identification."

Fuck Writer's Block

2010-05-27T15:55:00.002+03:00

I haven't posted shit in a while and that's because I went to my best friend's wedding in Lebanon and then started a new job, which is gutting my free time and making it call it uncle. Now, I'm not one to make excuses- bullshit (cough, cough)- but it makes a better excuse than I have writer's block.

Writer's block is a disease affecting the masses, and by the masses I mean me. I didn't give a fuck about writer's block before because it didn't affect me (I wanted to write, I wrote), but now, this bitch has got to die. I equate my getting writer's block to the day Magic Johnson told the world he had AIDS- everyone got scared. If it happened to him, it can happen to anyone, which by the way, is utter bullshit. Not everyone slept with a like a bunch of sketchy groupie bitches and a couple of dudes along the way, especially not in the 90s. There were wars going on, dude.

But this is even more important. This affects me, and I can't pump my blood full of money like Magic did.

But I'm gonna sit back and let this shit beat me. How do you beat writer's block?

Well, speaking as someone who just did, you write.

Hello I Love You / I Hate You Goodbye

2010-05-13T12:08:00.002+03:00

Note: This is gonna be a book title of mine if I ever decide to write a book. Keep your hands off my title, bitches.

First impressions are deadly to me. You get an impression from someone, and you automatically think he or she is the shit or sucks donkey balls. That's just human nature. I say why fight it?

I'm gonna start going on the first impression of everyone I meet. You don't impress me, well then you're just a waste of my fucking time. My time is valuable man: I got books to write. (See above.)

If you think I'm being judgmental, well then too bad. You should have made a better impression.

I mean, how is that different from a job interview or a first date? They like you, you get a call back. They don't? Well it sucks to be you. (And I know you. That rejection should be the least of your worries.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is: I've impressed you.

Now impress me, bitches.

Nerdgasm

2010-05-05T15:46:00.002+03:00

This story from the Seattle Times is all kinds of awesome. I'm not gonna rehash it here (which is why I linked to it) but how cool is that?

Fuck, I wanna run around a city pretending to be a super hero. Well, in my case, it would probably be a super villain, because, shit, those fuckers know how to have fun.

Make-A-Wish Foundation, here's what my day will entail. (I expect you to make it happen because I suffer from doucheabitis, or a debilitating allergy caused by too much exposure to douche bags. Yes, I pick on douche bags too much, but what the fuck they're douche bags.)

I don't want a super power, nothing like Magneto being a giant magnet or Samuel Sterns (Leader from Hulk) having a giant brain. I just wanna blow shit up.

I want to cause the most carnage possible and just have fun for one day, with no repercussions. (Don't lie I know you want that too.) I also want a big titted sidekick whose only job is to sit there and be naked, with occasional felatio or a romp in the sack. That's not too much to ask, is it?

Now, I know I called out the Make A Wish Foundation earlier, but anyone who has the means to allow me to do this, let me know.

Big tittied girls, leave your emails in the comments section.

Thank You Miami

2010-05-03T16:22:00.002+03:00

I'm not one to give thanks to just anyone. (Just ask McBitchy.)

However, this recent move by Miami Dolphins general manager Jeff Ireland is just absolutely genius, so it deserves some thanks.

Ireland came up with a question to trump all questions. This question is foolproof, I tell ya. Any time you don't want want to answer someone, just ask him this question, and you will be out of a jam faster than you can say "Is your mother a prostitute?"

Yes. Jeff Ireland asked that.

When interviewing draft pick Dez Bryant, Ireland posed this question amidst a flurry of family related ones. He asked Bryant if he knew his father, or what he did for a living. Bryant, none the wiser, said that his dad was a pimp and that his mom worked for his dad. Master of the Obvious Jeff Ireland apparently either doesn't know what pimps do or was under the influence of drugs (or both) and asked Bryant this gem of a question.

I thank you, Jeff Ireland, for being either a douche bag or a dumbass because, regardless of what you were before you asked this question, you sir are now a god. How did you think to ask that question? What was going through your head at the time?

More importantly, Mr. Ireland, is YOUR mother a prostitute?

Fashion Sense

2010-05-02T12:27:00.002+03:00

I'm not much of a fashion junkie. I don't really pay attention to the latest fads and styles sweeping the nation. But I would be remiss (and frankly a blind man) if I didn't recognize the prevalence of Douche Couture.

It seems like everywhere you look these days, you're bound to run into a douche bag. You know the type: buff, overly tanned dudes with bedazzled clothes and lots of bling, spewing off one liners and ending each sentence with a variation of the word bro. There are websites dedicated to these faggots, books written about them. Hell, there's a court case that uses the now infamous "Douchebag Defense."

Of course, like any movement, these kids have their own style. However, I don't think that style hits home enough.

This is my entry into the Douche style hall of fame: LeDouche.

I say, fuck it. Why sugar coat shit? It's not like these douche bags do. If you're being a fag, they call you out on it. If you're a bitch, shit, you will know. Bitch.

This clothing line hits straight at the douche bag market in the same vein that they hit the bong! Plus, it sorta sounds French, so you know that shit is dope, Broski! (I know. Le and douche are both French words, but education is lost on the douche bag. He knew it all from the day he was born, yo.)

The first product in this line is the hopefully ubiquitous cologne, Date Rape Homme. Nothing says douche quite like date rape, and this cologne will have you smelling like pussy all the fucking time. Dude! How great is that? I say you douche bags just jizzed in your pants right now.

The best part is the tag line for this product, a rallying cry every douche bag will be proud to get behind.

Get Raped.

Parking Etiquette

2010-04-29T16:08:00.003+03:00

Parking etiquette is such simple concept, it is like saying please and thank you or you're welcome and good morning, but is it actually practiced? It most certainly, is not.

And you know, like, it used to piss me off for a while but then I calmed myself down and told myself that these idiots shouldn't have this power over me. So, I moved on with my life.

La - Di - Da...enter: Parking lot at work.

Not only is it the smallest piece of shit ever, oh no, the patrons of the parking lot are like pulled from a retards asshole. Absolutely no recognition what-so-ever of the lines clearly painted for a reason. When I park my car (usually flawlessly) I check if I'm in my allocated space, why? Well, because I'm sure the person who will eventually park their car next to me would appreciate it, why? Because, I do!

So, I pull up to work today and find the perfect spot. I try to park my car but realize that the piece of shit next to me has decided that a perpendicular spot is not what he/she had in mind today, oh no, let's add a little spice to the day and take 2 spaces. I'm sorry, what!? What was so fucking important that you couldn't reverse and fix your parking? No, really, what was it? I'm intrigued.

So, I move my car to another spot and decide that I'm not letting this one slide. I grab a pen and paper, write the following note and slide it under their windshield wiper:

Now, what I really meant to write was:

"You fucking piece of shit! I am sick and tired of dealing with pricks like you on a daily basis! You can't park? DON'T DRIVE! Thank you and have a great day. Oh, and by the way, I kicked the shit out of your car. Yours Truly, McBitchy"

Bodily Functions

2010-04-28T12:26:00.002+03:00

Hattiesburg, Mississippi- The Committee of Corruption of Kids announced on its web site today that it is miffed by the negative reaction towards it.

"We don't understand what is driving this. We are clueless to this situation."

The committee, which attempts to curb access to pornographic material, music with lewd lyrics, and exposure to violence among kids, is distraught over the negative backlash. Parents have loudly complained against the Committee's acronym, which has developed a cult following among teenagers and college aged adults.

"The COCK doesn't condone this type of behavior. We do not see the alleged irony in our name," said William "Willy" Balsac, the committee's chairman. "It's not like we're the Foreign Aid & Restoration Teams. That acronym is pretty funny."

The director of FARTs, George Butts, could not be reached for comment.

Tits After Dark

2010-04-28T00:21:00.006+03:00

I first heard this story about a week ago while listening to the Tony Kornheiser show on my iPod. While we at the Tit like to remain topical, this story is too good to pass up.

Accountants at the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) were caught looking at porn while the economy was crashing. This is not, by itself, news. Everybody watches porn. It's 2010.

What is news is the amount of porn these dudes were watching.

From the report by the Associated Press:

Some specific major offenders included one senior attorney who “spent up to eight hours a day looking at and downloading pornography” and an accountant who “was blocked more than 16,000 times in a month from visiting websites classified as ‘Sex’ or ‘Pornography.’”

Whoa, that is an obscene amount of porn. Now the question remains, who has this evidence and when can the public get their hands on the material? More importantly, when can I see this shit? I need to know what these dudes were looking at! It must have been some freaky shit if they spent 8 hours a day looking at it!

So if anyone knows where to get this stuff, let me know.

I can get really bored at work.

Your Estrogen Fix

2010-04-27T14:45:00.006+03:00

Ok...So, I wont bother introducing myself because that's a waste of time...from now on, you will address me as: McBitchy.

Ok, so here's the deal. I am sick and tired of being asked "When are you going to get married?" or "Have you met the right guy, yet"..or better yet "Don't you want to grow up with your children?"
you know what? ..I dont know, I really. Don't. Fucking. Know!
I almost wish I knew, just to shut everyone up. "Actually, not yet, but, in 2 years, 10 months, 6 days, 16 hours and 54 seconds, I will be! and guess what, you're not on the guest list".

I swear this country and this society makes me feel like the most incompetent fuck ever! Let's not focus on your amazing career, your aspirations and goals in life, your plan to one day rule the world and your insanely good looks, no...no,no, let's focus on the fact that you are in your mid-twenties and *GASP* unmarried!?

Like that wasn't enough, my body decided to pitch into the nightmare. So this is what it decided to do about two months ago: "Oh, so you're in your prime, huh? Interesting...And your eggs are fertile, yes? Aha, I see...and you choose to ignore that fact, yes? Alright then, guess what! Instead of one week of insane soreness and swellness in your supple and ample breasts..how about TWO weeks of imploding sensation? What? You can't take the pain? It's too much? Well, tough. Enjoy!"

Welcome to my world.

I'm Back With Double D's!

2010-04-27T13:13:00.002+03:00

I'm back.

It has come to my attention that I miss blogging with curse words. Those of you that know me know that I am not above- as a matter of fact, it brings me great fucking joy- to drop an F-Bomb or two in a post, and my current digs at 42 don't allow me that privilege. (I'd actually consider it a right, and so would the United States of America. Freedom of speech. It's right there in Article 1 of the fucking Constitution.)

With that in mind, the real reason I am back is for you, dear reader. I know you have missed my posts (the Lost recaps weren't doing it for you, and neither was the lack of cursing). You wanted more, that missing "I don't know what" (it sounds better in French).

However, I should caution you. This won't be a steady gig. Oh don't get me wrong I will post. It just won't be a steady stream of spectacular awesomeness. It will be a little dose, like the doses they give to recovering addicts at rehab. And it will be, as always, oh so glorious.

You're welcome.

Airport

2009-08-05T16:52:00.002+03:00

So you're standing at a conveyor belt, obviously downtrodden and as tired as fuck. Never mind the bags on the belt, you're worried about the bags under your eyes. You're highly- I mean extremely- irritable, and the next five year old who elbows you in the stomach to get to his father's monogrammed suitcase is getting bitch slapped. Hard. Mother of all bitch slaps hard.

"I know I should have checked in late. Why the hell would I go to the airport two hours before my flight is even boarding? To get hammered. Shit, the beer ain't all that good here anyway."

Then it happens. You finally see it. Your bag, the bane of your existence a second ago- appears. It is the fucking raison d'etre for your happiness. Megan Fox doesn't look as good as your bag does right now. Finally, you get to leave the airport.

You open up your bag, and it hits you.

Piece of shit wasn't even yours.

An American Rite Of Passage

2009-08-02T10:38:00.000+03:00

Ibra!

2009-07-24T17:46:00.003+03:00

I want the La Liga season to start. Now.

Damn am I geeked to watch Barcelona in action next year! (Fingers crossed, as this may include a live performance of the classico at the Camp Nou!) I wrote about this earlier, and was surprised as ever that its happening, but Zlatan Ibrahimovic is a player for the Blaugrana. I know all the fuss was about Real Madrid getting Cristiano and Kaka, but the acquisition of Zlatan, in my humble opinion, swings the odds back to Barcelona to repeat as champs. Sure, losing Samuel Eto'o hurts, but the addition of Ibracadabra makes FCB much more dangerous. Ibra was the top scorer in Serie A, and he had to do it all at his former club, Italian champs Inter. Now he is a part of a collective group of players who will definitely take the pressure off him and allow him to become EXTREMELY dangerous. Zlatan will, as the player himself said, "run amok" in a Barcelona jersey. There was no one at Inter with the skills of Messi, Iniesta, or Henry. And the thought of Xavi lobbing balls to Zlatan should probably be enough to see him try to break Ronaldo's record of goals in a single Liga season. The record is 43, and I think Ibra could be very close to breaking it.

I might be wrong and Zlatan might be an egotistical headcase, but I think the dude just wants to win the Champions League. He'll definitely have a chance to do so now.

Advertising

2009-07-16T09:54:00.003+03:00

Today I woke up in a Nike type of mood so I decided to wear my Brand Jordan t-shirt with Mars Blackmon on the front. For those of you who aren't into advertising, Mars Blackmon is the alter ego of director Spike Lee and a star of many of Nike's first ads for the Jordan line of footwear. He's also the reason I got into advertising.

I want to write advertisements for Nike, and that means, on the off chance that he's reading this, I want to work for YOU, Dan Wieden.

The spots aren't so great now, but to a kid who idolized Michael Jordan, they were the shit bomb diggity. I loved those ads, and I watch them to this day.

I know that's a pretty lame excuse to want to get into advertising, but the other reason, the deep underlying reason, is far more sinister. The other reason I got into advertising is to kill Jared Fogle.

Jared Forgle's death won't be quick either. It will be a slow orgy of the Subway sandwiches he loves so much. I will stuff them all down his throat, in succession. Six grams of fat is a lot when its multiplied by a million. Oh yes, Jared Fogle will die in the same shape he was before he was ever introduced to the Subway sandwich. Jared Fogle will die a fat miserable pig death. It'll be like that scene in Se7en.

After all that, I will not rest. Oh no.

I will stuff a cellphone into the Verizon guy's ears and ask, "Can you hear me now?"

Bitch.

Theology Shmeology

2009-06-25T14:15:00.002+03:00

Many times we hear that religion and politics go hand in hand, to many, they actually complement each other. The latter is there to ensure the proper implementation of the former or so is the belief!

Why are you restating yourself? Is i tbecause your editor asked for 1000 words and you only had 750? Or is it because you in fact don't believe what you write?

What many fail to recognize is that, as in any field or profession, if one is not educated properly in the field, then perhaps s/he should not be entrusted to work.

That is a valid point. But tell me good sir, how are you qualified to write? You are not educated properly in the field. Or is it a case of do as I say, not as I do? I think you should heed your own advice and quit this writing thing.

I will give you a clear example; if one is not properly educated in the science of medicine and if one is not adequately qualified to become a surgeon.

What is the point of this fragment, sir? These two are not mutually exclusive. They, if you will, complement each other. If you are not educated in the science of medicine then you are not adequately qualified to practice it. But wait, surely there are those who are not educated in medicine that practice it well? Shamans? Herbal doctors? Yes, those people exist.

If you know that such is the case and that your life depends on the skills of a given doctor to cure an illness that requires surgery, would you opt to be operated by a qualified surgeon or by a surgeon that is well- read on every major operation yet has practiced none?!

That has nothing to do with education. That is a question of experience. Of course you want the doctor with experience. That doesn't mean that the rookie is not qualified to do the procedure. He might be. But your experience tells you to go with the experienced doctor, even though the rookie might be better. Education plays no part in the argument.

Clearly, the idea of having a priest King is ideal for it would combine the two distinct worlds together, like a Khalifa that would rule based on theology. Nevertheless, we have experienced time and again through history that theological regimes or regimes that claim to gain their legitimacy from the Almighty are bound to fail at one point or another.

Those that claim to gain their legitimacy from the Almighty are bound to fail because their claims are heresy.

In our contemporary world, amid our direct neighbor we have clear examples of theology and the negative impact such rules have on the daily lives of their citizens.

I don't think the problem lies in the theology in as much as the people of the neighboring country don't want to be governed by it. Even if it is a good theology, if the people of the country reject it, there are bound to be problems.

What comes worse than theological rule, is a dictatorial theology whereby one is not even allowed to challenge through religion the various edicts passed by the ruling 'mullahs' who have taken the job of being God's vice-regents on earth as if the kingdom of heaven passes first through their approval and then to God!

There's a word for those vice-regents. They're called heretics.

What I find ludicrous is the fact that even though we are all given a test in this life for those that believe, and that the test is not an open book test nor is it a group project whereby people pass if they ally themselves with more versed individuals. We are clearly told that a day will come when we will all be held accountable for our own actions and that on such a day no one will be of use to us, not even our parents!

Yes, but the rulers of such nations, the leaders of men, will be asked what they have done to curb heretical actions and injustices and attacks on the religion. This is why theocracies still exist. However, the problem lies in the people who hold the power in these theocracies, and not the idea of theocracy itself. You seem to miss the point here. It is not the religion that you should be attacking, but the people implementing it. We've gone through this before, good sir.

With such clear warnings, I find it absurd for the least that people are not willing to seek the truth for themselves. I find it bizarre that people are scared to seek within the various revelations, the truth that will set their conscious free rather than merely rely on unreliable people that seek power at any cost. We are all prisoners of conscience due to our inability to challenge theology for fear of damnation, as if the 'mullahs' have such power.

The fear is not one of damnation. The fear is, as it always has been, that of the bullet. People die when they oppose the mullahs. Are you not watching the news? You know you can't report on the news if you're not watching.

It is saddening that those that are unable to convincingly argue their points resort to fear, for they know that their answers will come short of convincing the masses if they don't confuse in their speeches. The ultimate tool to control masses; the promise of an unknown that these so to speak of 'mullahs' have access to. More importantly this is how they derive their ultimate power.

Read: Bullets and guns.

May we all be guided to the path of truth and righteousness and that we may live together in peace regardless of our beliefs. The judge on that matter will make a manifestation on his decision at a later time. In the meantime, righteous actions are what people should strive to accomplish.

Amen.

My good sir, your righteous action should be writing more gems like this conclusion. It almost makes me want to rescind my critique of your article.

On second thought, naaaaaaah.

Fuck! Ass!

2009-06-21T11:21:00.001+03:00

An umpire with Tourette's... Wow.

Guillermo

2009-06-17T17:14:00.001+03:00

Fuck. (There's nothing better than to start off a rant with this word. It sums it all up perfectly. It says, "World, I am pissed off. I am seriously steamed and I need to get some shit off my chest." Now, why is that so? Is it because of the way the word sounds, which incidentally is a release of some sort? The eff at the beginning, the U which seemingly is the rage bottled up, then the CK sound which sounds like a fucking release? Shit, the word perfectly describes the act of fornication doesn't it? Wheeew. End of long tangent.)

What do I do? What the fuck do I do? This chick is lying dormant on my bedroom floor, she's dead I just know it, she's fucking dead. Oh God, oh God. I shouldn't have given her that pill, man. She was way too plastered to handle E, dude. Way too fucking plastered. And, wasn't there remnants of coke on her nose? Shit, the bitch has coke? Where the fuck is the coke?

Whew. There that's all better. Now I can think clearly. Relax, man. Just fucking relax. She's a nobody. Look through her purse. See what the hell is in there, maybe she has some cash, or shit, maybe some more coke.

FUCK... This bitch is loaded and connected. Oh fuck fuck, she's Guillermo's cousin. And the bastard is calling her. Wasn't he supposed to be here with my fucking coke an hour ago? Shit shit shit. I gotta call him, he can't come here now. He'll shoot me. I already owe him money.

Holy shit, that's a lot of cash. A lot of cash. Oh fuck she works with Guillermo, too. I know I've seen her before- at his place? At the club? Where the FUCK have I seen her before? Who the hell is at my door?

Guillermo. What the fuck is it, man? What do you want now? Didn't you get my text? (I never actually got around to sending him that, but fuck man, he doesn't know that.) My coke? Hold on, hold on.

Oh.

Fuck.

Company Man

2009-06-15T11:53:00.002+03:00

I woke up this morning and, for some reason, I had Schrute on my mind. I think it was because, for the first time in a while, I decided to forgo my usual work attire of a t-shirt and shorts and wear a button down. Apparently, I can't wear whatever I want to work. (This is news to me; I'm a work newbie.)

So, anyway, yesterday, I was needed at a client meeting to read one of my glorious creations. I tried to get out of it on account of my outfit, but to no avail. It was awesome, though. I got to see all these fat cats squirm in their suits and dishdashas and I walked in there looking like I was going to the beach.

But that's another story. So, anyway, a few coworkers told me to basically, in Barney parlance, to suit up. I decided to go with a buttton down and jeans- not exactly dressy, but not exactly beach life. Let me tell you this, folks, sleeves suck.

I don't know whether it was because I've been going to the gym and my arms are bigger, or that the shirt shrunk, but the fucking sleeves are cutting off the blood circulation, damn it. This reminded me of an Office episode when Charles Minor, aka Stringer Fucking Bell, asks Dwight to wear a long sleeved shirt as opposed to his usual short sleeved one. Dwight had the same complaint.

But this got me thinking about Minor's lack of talent evaluation. Minor thought that Dwight, not Jim, was the better Dunder Mifflin employee, and in some ways, he was right.

Here's the difference between the two. Dwight's life, or lack thereof, is paper. (One could argue that his life is in fact Michael, which explains why Michael detests Dwight. It's because, irony of ironies, Michael is a scary judge of talent, and he sees that Dwight's vision is limited to Dunder Mifflin and pleasing his bosses and Michael, basically doing whatever it takes to please Michael, something- irony of ironies- Michael detests. Michael's idea of an ideal employee is someone who has the company's best interest at heart, but isn't a drone to the company. Someone who realizes that being stuck at a paper company isn't anyone's idea of a dream job. Someone like Jim.

Jim is at the opposite end of the spectrum. He has the company's interests at heart, but he's not driven by his work or pursuing a bottom line. Jim takes his job as a 9-5, leaving work troubles at work, knowing that he has bigger things to worry about (Pam and a baby on the way). In a way, that makes Jim a better employee, since he is driven by a basic human need to feed himself and his family, whereas Dwight's needs are to basically please Michael.

As I reflect on the kind of employee I want to be, I think I would rather be a Jim clone, someone who loves his job, but isn't held prisoner by it. I want a life as well, man. The irony is, I work in advertising, where my work is my life.

You know what? I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my job.

Most of the time.

GOAL!

2009-06-08T09:45:00.001+03:00

For future reference, this is the goal to measure all goals from now on. Just simply amazing!

I Miss My TV

2009-06-07T16:13:00.002+03:00

It's been almost four months since I've left Miami, and I really miss American television. At first, I was happy with the television schedule in Kuwait since I got to watch football all the time, and I wasn't bombarded with ESPN's breaking news from Brett Favre's scrotum about whether or not he's going to sign with the Minnesota Vikings. I mean, sure, I wasn't watching as much basketball as I wanted to, but I caught the big games, the NCAA tournament (a complete bore this year if you ask me; I was just happy Carolina won the freaking thing). Besides, Barcelona games are on all the time, and the commentary, while not exactly great mind you, beat Tommy Smyth and Derek Rae all the time. (What's ironic about this is that I have a video file on my computer of the UEFA Champions League final. The commentators? Yep, you guessed it.)

Anyway, now with football season over, and the endless saga of the offseason is getting kinda boring, I miss American television. I miss Around The Horn- not really. I miss the endless marathon of SportsCenter from 12 AM to 6 AM, when I watched each and every segment with the slim hope that it was going to deviate from the hour previous. I miss PTI, oh man do I miss PTI. Mostly though, I miss Kenny and Charles.

That's not all. While I still log on to the Big Lead and the various sports blogs I used to follow back in FLA, its just not the same. The PM roundup is my morning roundup and vice versa, and nation, that ain't right. (Oh yeah, I really miss Colbert.)

In short, I miss Miami, man. I want to go back. Now.

The Offseason

2009-06-01T14:37:00.002+03:00

Another year is in the books for Barcelona, and what a year it was! The worry that I expressed some months ago has been for not, and the cules became the first Spanish team ever to win the treble. Yep, Guardiola's boys won the league, the Copa del Rey, and the UEFA Champions league. The lesson? In Pep we trust.

So, as always, the fun part of the offseason kicked off: transfers, baby! Who's coming, who's going, and who's going to be out on loan. Pep seemingly isn't content, and wants to sign a few players. The notables are:

Zlatan Ibrahimovic: The Swede may be a bigger head case than Cristiano Ronaldo, but his talents are second to none. A tall, lanky offensive wizard like him would no doubt bolster the most formidable attacking ranks in world football. The knock on him seems to be that he doesn't rise to the occassion, which is warranted maybe, but you really can't say that about a guy who's won Serie A for seven consectutive years now can you? If he does sign for Barcelona (and Barca doesn't give up Sammy Eto'o in the process), pencil him in for at least 40 goals. The freedom given to him by Xavi and Iniesta to just score goals will allow him to focus on the end product, while at Inter, dude was the entire offense.

Franck Ribery: A terrorizing wing player? Don't we already have one of those? Yep, it seems that Pep wants to shatter the record for goals scored next year by going after the second best right winger in the game today (Cristiano is always going to be number one, but Ribery is a very close second). In truth, I'd much rather have Scarface than Pansy Pants because Franky fits in perfectly with the boys. He's unassuming, and doesn't make headlines with his mouth, just his feet. Wow, the parallels to Leo Messi are undeniable. Please, Pep, get this guy. Now!

Philip Lahm: Are you serious? Wow, Pep is going for the jugular on this one. Philip Lahm can slide right in to the spot that Sylvinho occupied most of last year (he can even take his number 16 shirt) and the team would keep on clickin'. A swoop of Lahm also means Barca can offer Juventus Eric Abidal in exchange for David Trezeguet, who's propensity for scoring goals earned him the nickname Trezegoal. (While Ibra is by far the better player, David makes more sense for this team. He's not a prima donna, and he isn't going to command a hefty salary like Ibra most definitely will. He'd fit right in, he will.)

While there are a few other players on the radar (Diego Forlan, David Villa - long shot), I think if we get those three players, we can repeat easily. Los tres? Ha! With this lineup, we can shoot for more.

Like los seis!

NOOOO MATTER WHAT, YOU'LL NEVER TAKE THAT FROM ME!!

2009-05-28T10:15:00.006+03:00

YES, YES, YES! WE WON! WE WON! WE FUCKING WON!

So yesterday, I was debating whether or not to post a blurb about my fears about last night's game. I decided against it for superstition's sake (I is a superstitious fellow, I am), but if you watched last night's final, the first ten minutes captured them perfectly. The Manchester United offense unleashed an onslaught (Well, Cristiano Ronaldo did) of shots from all over the field that even when Etoo finally broke the deadlock, and his scoring slump, by sliding an exquisite shot past Van Der Sar (the juke to elude Vidic wasn't too shabby, either), I couldn't breathe because I thought surely, an equaliser was coming. Thankfully, that didn't happen, and the Barcelona offense settled into a groove, led by, in my opinion, the best midfielder in the world, Xavi Crues Hernandez.

The first half wasn't lacking in excitement but the second half was just a shmorgasbord of chances for my cules. Sir Alex Ferguson, in my opinion, made his first blunder by subing in Tevez for Anderson, thereby relinquishing complete control of the midfield to the dynamic duo I like to dub Xaniesta.

Little Andres began his darting little runs, and Messi, forgoing his spot on the right wing in favor of a more direct center role, was receiving passes a little earlier and closer to the midfield area. Then he would make his darting runs, the same ones he used to terrorise the madridista cabrones a few weeks earlier, and the formidable duo of Vidic and Ferdinand didn't stand a chance, especially with a weak midfield.

The game was far from over, however, and Barca weren't doing themselves (or their fans) any favors by blundering sure fire oppurtunities, with an occasional dose of Van Der Sar brilliance for good measure. There was a Henry chip shot that was a little too weak, a Xavi free kick that hit the post, and a flurry of chances that were just a little off.

Being the cynic that I am, I feared the worst and thought that this simply wasn't going to be Barca's day. Then Lionheart Puyol (LOVE THAT GUY!!) made a darting run only to be thwarted by the Man U defense. Thankfully, the ball fell to Xavi, and the midfield genius crossed to the left side. The ball was a thing of beauty, and Messi's header sent it to the back of the net where it belonged. The coronation was complete. Barca were champions, Messi world player of the year.

Manchester United didn't really threaten afterwards, and the cules were more brazen in their attacks. Lionheart was a pest to Cristiano Ronaldo on both ends as he thwarted CR7's runs time and time again (prompting a frustrated Ronaldo to elbow Carles in the face and getting a yellow for his troubles) all the while making some daring runs of his own. Alas, his runs came to not, as his two chances were both saved by the lone Manchester bright spot, Edwin Van Der Sar.

When the whistle blew, I was elated, and I think I can say with all my heart,

"Man U, cabrones! Saluda el Barca campeones!"

Visca el Barca. Sempre.

Spelling Ain't All It's Cracked Up To Be

2009-05-21T17:53:00.000+03:00

Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee

The More Things Change...

2009-05-21T13:54:00.002+03:00

Wow. What the hell, Kuwaiti female parliament members? You got power, what, three days ago and already you're making demands? Seriously?

Let's start out with the first example, Ms. Ma39ooma. She has the freaking gall to throw her name in the running for Prime Minister. Seriously? That's like Kunta Kintay from Roots running for president. Sure, a change is gonna come, to paraphrase Sam Cooke (hell, it already did), but slow the fuck down. Change is a gradual thing. You can't get in the queue and automatically be pushed to the front of the line. Well, unless you're G. W. Bush.

This pales in comparison to what this other loony tried to pull. The bitch will not settle for anything less than to head her own committee. Oh my god, not even the men pull shit like that, and, supposedly, you were brought in to curb power in the Parliament and transfer it back to the people, a new Kuwait and all that.

Yeah, about that. Looks like y'all have been drinking too much of your own Kool-Aid.

The Island Calls

2009-05-20T11:05:00.004+03:00

I'm pretty much a television junkie. I watch a lot of shows, some good, some just guilty pleasures. Heck, some guilty pleasures make their way into being really good shows, at which point I pat myself on the back for sticking with it and watching it when nobody knew of its existence. In fact, my favorite TV show, Chuck, is a show that fits that description perfectly. There's going to be more about Chuck Bartowski in this space in the future, but for now, I give the floor to my favorite television experience, Lost!

I call Lost a television experience because, to me, that show is a show that should be watched and watched and even read about more than once. Here's the basic cycle for Lost fanatics: there's a first viewing filled with WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENEDs and OH MY GODs, then there's a second viewing with "Oh OK, now I see what they did there"s, and then, and this was an optional step that has now become a required one before and after watching the episodes, a weekly read of Doc Jensen on EW.

Because of this, I am now the go to guy for Lost mysteries for my friends. I'm the guy that says, "Oh yeah they did this before. If you go back to Watchmen- the comic not the movie- you will see that Doc Manhattan and Rorschach did the same thing when talking to Ozymondas." (This is a hypothetical situation. But please, read Watchmen. Skip the movie and read the comic. That shit is awesome.) I owe all this of course to the Doc.

Why am I writing a Lost column now? I am experiencing withdrawals. I just read the latest Doc Jensen column, and I wanna watch Lost. Now.

The Hypocrisy of Our Democracy

2009-05-18T09:47:00.002+03:00

On Saturday, Kuwait held its parliamentary elections, and the results were, well, unexpected. At least to some.

You see, the parliament just got a little soft, and not in the whole Kanye West, "I go hard," type way, either. The female of the species have four representatives in the Parliament. So, women have another avenue where they can bitch and complain at men.

While this may seem like a sexist rant from a chauvanistic pig, I assure you it isn't. (That's for another post, when parliament actually convenes. You know, in FOUR months time. Yes, the officials that we elected in May will hold office in September, after their summer breaks and after they have whet their politically corrupt beaks for a bit.) I'm miffed at the hypocrisy of our democracy. Kuwait, again, just blew it. While our schools and universities- institutions of higher learning- are segregated because 20 year old Marzoog is going to ogle 19 year old Rola and not focus on his studies, 35 year old Marzoog can ogle 34 year old Rola all he wants, because, hey, he's a man and he's capable of controlling himself. (Either that, or 34 year old Rola was a 20 year old tramp who has seen the error of her ways.)

Seriously, what sort of logic is that? If you want to segregate Kuwait, segregate it all. Or, and here's the better, more effecient, get with the times fix, don't segregate. Get with the times and the ideology of the people.

The people have spoken. Let's hope Parliament listened.

My Country, Full of Douchery

2009-04-28T18:27:00.001+03:00

Today is a sad day for those of us with addictions. The country has deemed it necessary to take away something which we hold so near and dear to our hearts, and while I think this is good for the people in the long run, right now it sucks. Big, chocolate salty balls style.

How dare the powers that be stage a nation wide intervention on an addiction that is a determent to productivity, yet a boon to social skills? Fuck off, powers that be. I'm Bodie Brodaus and I'm an addict. And I fucking like it!

But, yo, Bodie, what the fuck are you on about? Drugs? Illegal. Alcohol? That too. What is it that the powers that be have robbed? How have they intervened?

Easy, yo. BlackBerry. My CrackBerry (which makes me oh so merry) is no more, at least for the time being. The socialist institution that is zain Telecommunications decided to shut off all BBM conversations for the day, and, what's more, they're blaming RIM (BlackBerry's makers) for this crime, which is downright douchebag behavior.

I'm on my home's wireless network, and my BBM is working. I can become an addict, provided I'm within reach of a wireless network.

So, zain, quit the douche bag behavior. Por fa-fucking-vor. Fix your network, motherfuckers. Now.

Right now, I'm a junkie, and I need my fucking fix.

I'm Sick

2009-04-27T10:30:00.002+03:00

Ah, crap. So I get this crazy bit of news the other day, right? Turns out I'm sick, really sick.

It seems I have what is called a Peter Pan complex, an inability to grow up. My doctor, the esteemed Dr. Ruth Westheimer, told me that, while my complex isn't in the later stages, it appears to be heading there fast.

In fact, a panel composed of her, Dr. Frasier Crane, Dr. Leonard Nimoy, and Dr. John Zoidberg found that my Peter Pan complex is practically incurable and that the chances of a Peter Pan less future for me are slim. And I don't even get a Tinkerbell or an ability to fly! (That last part was my failed attempt at a joke. Damn you, PPC! You rob me of my sense of humor!!)

I refuse to take Dr. Westheimer's diagnosis of me lying down. After all, it is not her area of expertise, not by a long shot. (Very long :))

In fact, tomorrow I have an appointment with a Jennifer Melfi. Maybe she can get to the bottom of this.

After that, maybe Paul Weston can take a shot at me. I mean, yeah he's good, but, between you and me, I think he's a bit of a whack job himself.

Barca Barca Barca!!

2009-04-09T12:20:00.003+03:00

Wow.

Just wow.

Last night's demolition of Bayern Munich was one of the more entertaining games I have seen my boys play in a while. Sure, it was chippy, and sure, Bayern was missing some key players, but I believe that on a night like last night, Barcelona could not be stopped. I mean, it was 4-0 in the first 40 minutes (the final score) and Barca could have doubled that. Easily.

Yes, Bayern didn't have Klose or Lucio (who was missed as evident by the gaps Messi and Iniesta were able to find in the defense), but Bayern's strength is its midfield, which was eaten whole by Yaya Toure, who shall henceforth be reffered to as Yaya The Beast. And a beast he was, stiffling every attack by Munich, not allowing any balls to be delivered to Luca Toni and limiting Ribery and Schweinsteiger's creativity and effectiveness.

Xavi was his usual controlling, effecient self (he operates the offense in the same way a skilled video gamer does- many remarks about the "PS3 fluidity" of the offense were made last night), and Iniesta, as is the norm with little Andres (who's fast becoming my favorite player), was erratic, but deadly when he slipped through the defense. Given room, Iniesta would weave his way through defenders with "Messi-like" quality (more on that later) and slip it to the three forwards, who did their damage.

But the true marvel, the diamond in the rough, was Lionel. Messi the Magician would not be denied on this day. His ball skills were on full display last night and the ease with which he broke down the defense was Maradona like at times. Video game Messi couldn't do what real life Messi could on this night. Seriously, I am still in awe. Do yourself a favor and watch a video of the game because, seriously, there are no words.

None.

The Kuwaiti Wire

2009-03-09T06:53:00.002+03:00

I've been feeling a little down lately, and I figured what better way to cheer myself up than to revisit my favorite show of all time, The Wire. (Yes, Virginia, I am a simple fellow with simple needs.) I mean, I'm not watching it again (maybe after the recent Sopranos obsession subsides, I'll give ol' Bodie another look-see), but I've been reading a lot of David Simon shit, and it struck me. You know what might make a great setting for a Wire like series? Kuwait. All the components are there.

You see, The Wire is not some old cop show where the cops follow the bad guys and find them and put em in jail at the end. Sure, your first impression is to describe it as such, but the fucker is much more than that. What the show ultimately is, and what the show boils down to, is that it is a portrait of an American city, the trials and tribulations of such a city as diverse as Baltimore.

I think Kuwait can be done in a similar fashion, and I'm not talking about the Fajer Alse'eed dramas broadcast during Ramadan.

More on the Kuwaitification of The Wire soon in this space.

An Aryan Nation of Kuwaitis?

2009-02-26T17:35:00.002+03:00

Wow. Just wow. Just when I thought I had this guy pegged as a mindless nut who doesn't know what he's talking about (I'm still right about that; the guy doesn't know what he's talking about), it seems that there's a method to his madness, and boy, is it scary. It's not Mein Kampf. Yet.

Following up on my previous article, I will try to elaborate on the notion of development through the implementation of a comprehensive educational strategy. This strategy would revolve around the creation of state-sanctioned 'super schools.' These schools would have the explicit aim of developing Kuwait's elite students.

First of all, that is not an educational strategy. It is a military one. They refer to it as brainwashing. These super schools aren't going to be institutions of higher learning and educating the best and the brightest, they are going to be camps of building the Kuwaiti ideology in a manner that the state sees fit, purging all acts of free will and opinions. Secondly, who is responsible for selecting Kuwait's elite students?

In order for it to be successful, the concept for such a school needs to take into account several fundamental points: It needs to be secluded in the sense that for maximum efficiency, it should be a boarding school. Its students need to be monitored and trained in a military fashion, whereby discipline and structure need to be instilled from a very early age. It also needs to be free and open to creativity, encouraging room for personal growth and development.

Military and openness to creativity are not supposed to be in the same sentence. Like, ever. The military man is one who lives his life guided by a set code, a tenet of rules. Those seeking personal growth and development need not apply. In the military, you take orders and don't ask questions. At all. Development is only accomplished in terms of following orders. So which is it, douche bag? Discipline and excessive monitoring (I shudder to think of the damage that will do to the country's elite students, whose minds are littered with thoughts of grandeur. These most certainly won't be in line with the greater goal of the state and will be purged. Didn't you read Brave New World and 1984?)

The educational process is a long and tiresome one; however, through the development of proper protocols and mechanisms, it will encourage research and development. The concept for the 'Super School' will need to take into account the needs of three main actors: the state, which finances and looks forward to the fruit of its investment in the long run and the teachers and professors who will teach to the best of their abilities a generation of future professionals, researchers, and future teachers and professors.

Oh my god, this guy is a fascist dictator. He's not Upton Sinclair. He's a hybrid of Benito Mussolini, Francisco Franco, and Adolf Hitler. This guy is a journalist? Really? He's encouraging super schools and the purging of free thought? Wow. He's officially an oxymoron. No no, this guy is just a moron.

Last, but certainly not least, it needs to take into account the needs of the students by ensuring that school, instead of becoming a boring chore, becomes an institution of learning that will inspire students to develop in an environment that is able to transmit and receive knowledge from its very own students.

That shouldn't be a problem. Surely, year one will be a hard one. But if the state gets its way, these kids will be programmed into liking school. So by year two, schools won't be boring chores. No that is not a note of optimism. That is doom and gloom. FUCKING GLOOM.

State of the art buildings should be complemented with adequate salaries for teachers with merit based bonuses encouraging them to further develop, refine and improve their skills. Along with the following, research grants as well as publishing articles and books should be required of teachers in order for them to stay both competitive and remain at par with their global colleagues.

Only problem with that is that pretty soon human nature will take over and the professors will be more concerned with publishing and getting money than actually teaching. This has happened you know. I mean surely with your methods of brainwashing it won't, but if you go by history, it did and will happen again.

In a nutshell, these 'super schools' should be operated in a similar fashion to universities whereby knowledge is available and it is up to the students, through the use of facilitators, to grasp and use them in the development of projects.

So its a university structure and not a military one? Which is it? Ah. I know. It's a military university.

At this point, one should question the use of such schools and the use of the curriculum. Earlier, I argued that a standardized educational system is pointless and that it would be equal to graduating an entire generation of math teachers!

At this point, one should also question the right for you to be published. Methinks you should get on the list that Salman Rushdie is on and we should be banned from reading you. Oh, and this is the only time you and Salman Rushdie will be mentioned in the same sentence.

We could use some in the educational system, however. What good would they be in other fields? Acknowledging the benefit of diversity, we need to develop the students and bear in mind their ultimate positions in their future careers. If it is a state school, it is only logical that the outcome of such an education would be primarily invested in the state. A functional state needs a series of specialized employees to man its very different agencies ranging from diplomacy to finance, health sector employees to teachers, sociologists, military, police and the list goes on.

Agreed. Diversity is always good. But then again so is choice and free will, two concepts you most certainly hate and don't agree with.

However, one should not be restricted in terms of what is needed today. The educational process is a long and tiresome one and it should be based on two main concepts. The need for employees in the 'traditional' sector as well as in the future employment sector that is for the state to determine. It should give itself a margin of time to develop, form and tailor to the education of students in the fields of future growth that can be in the agro-bio businesses, advanced energy, pharmaceutical, industry, space, aeronautics and nanotechnology to name a few.

So not only are these schools responsible for choosing elite students, they are also supposed to be psychic and foretell the future. You think they can handle that?

Wait. What am I thinking? Of course they can. THEY'RE SUPER SCHOOLS.

More Viva Stuff

2009-02-02T10:30:00.002+03:00

I was talking to my friend just now and she was telling me about this guy who works at Viva. Naturally, I complained to her about that company's services. She agreed. (She thinks I'm a genius so naturally she agrees with me.)

Anyways she was telling me about how they cut you off and disconnect your calls constantly. I thought it was because of their "pay for the first five minutes" offer. You pay for the first five and the rest of your call is free. Viva isn't the first company to propose something like this.

Michael Phelps, Bong Hits & I

2009-02-01T14:46:00.002+03:00

In what is quite possibly the coolest, not to mention "no shitiest", news scoop of the day, The News of The World, that beacon of quality journalism, has uncovered revelations that Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps smokes the ganja. Ladies and gentlemen, I think Michael Phelps is still a douchebag, but he gets some style points for preferring the green over the cream and the clear, unlike his other Olympic brethren.

In case you didn't know, the cream and the clear are code words used by Barry Bonds and BALCO to describe the various kinds of steroids floating around Bonds' blood stream. The green, of course, is good ole Mary Jane, marijuana.

This is the best news I've heard in a day described by one of my friends as an orgy of sports. He's right. February 1st is the day of the Roger Federer - Rafael Nadal Australian Open Final, Chelsea - Liverpool, and, in the words of advertising executives and pigskin fanatics throughout the world, Super Bowl Sunday.

Have a great day, hoppers.

Viva!

2009-01-28T20:44:00.002+03:00

Many of you know that I am back in Kuwait, and these last ten days have been all right, I guess. Sure, my lifestyle is not the same as it was back in Miami, but I think that's for the better. Sobriety is cool, man.

However, there are certain fucks that are leading me to readopt my lifestyle. I'm talking in particular of the people that work at Kuwait's other other phone company, Viva.

These last couple of days I have gone to their branch in Marina Mall to take advantage of their bargain of getting a line and a 7.2 mbps wireless card for the measly price of 20 KD a month. I have yet to recieve my shit, yo.

Whether it is that the peice is out of stock- understandable since its practically a steal- or that the system is down- also get this since every Tom, Dick, and Harry wants one. Heck, even Shaniqua wants a Viva wi-fi card.

Here's my take on it though. Viva fucked up. They were the adventurous poker player who bet big on a two pair, only to be trumped by a full house (the buying, rather stealing public). Now it seems they are folding every time until they get the unbeatable hand, which, considering it is the 28th of January, is soon. The deal runs to the 31st.

In a more extreme scenario, Viva may think of itself as a viable contender to the throne, much like a Ralph Nader or a Ron Paul. While the voting public view them as an entertaining side show who might steal some votes from the big two, their impact is strictly in mending the policies of the big two. (Viva's big coup is to make all cell phone companies make incoming calls free of charge, including land lines.)

These hoppers want a chance at the crown, a chance to be a kingpin. Too bad they're only built to become corner boys.

Ain't no shame in that. Ask Bodie.

Basketball!

2009-01-10T04:23:00.004+03:00

When I first started this blog, I did so with the intention of devoting a blog to sports. Needless to say, that didn't quite pan out, and sports posts are lost in the smorgasbord of posts about books, television, and The Wire. (I realize that The Wire is television, and that I haven't written about Bodie, Omar, and The Bunk in a while, but I just got the complete series from Amazon. Sheeeeeet, am I giddy!)

Damn. Where was I? Oh yes, sports. Yeah, so I'm watching the Boston Celtics play the Cleveland Cavaliers, and, riddle me this folks, how is Boston your NBA World Champions? Is it simply that the other teams didn't try as hard as Boston did last year? Is James Posey really that much of a difference maker?

It seems that when the Celtics don't play hard, or when, in the paraphrased words of Bobcats rookie point guard D.J. Augustin, they fail to intimidate you, they wilt. Its still early in this game, but I really think the Boston Celtics are going to get creamed by LeBron and company, and I really hate LeBron. What's more, with no LeBron, the Cavaliers are the Bobcats. Oh, by the way, the Bobcats beat the Celtics.

Anyway, these are my two cents on the Celtics. I'm out. Basketball is on TV, and this junkie is jonesing like Bubbles.

Gossip Girl & Rupert Murdoch

2009-01-07T17:11:00.003+03:00

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Michael Wolff

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

I knew my addiction to television is something good. While many of you might question my choice of television shows (not that there's anything wrong with that), this proves it. Rupert fucking Murdoch is a gossip girl, people. (Aaah, Blair. One day my sweet petunia (are petunias actually sweet?), one day.)

I know what you're thinking, and its a yes.

I wrote this post to broadcast my undying love to Blair Waldorf.

Why Oh Why?

2009-01-04T04:20:00.003+03:00

Fuck the heck. I was trying to be nice, but seriously. This guy has got to be stopped. He makes Michael Savage look like Albert Einstein. I was minding my own business, but again, I got a status update. Yep, dude got published again, and, honestly, between his impenetrable logic and John Madden's telestrator skills, my head is going to explode. So, again, without further ado, part three of an ongoing series, where I FJM this guy and his "Promotion of Virtue, Prevention of Vice". Seriously, anybody that knows this guy, direct him to this space. I would, but I don't think he'd like me very much, and one of my new year's resolutions is to be liked. I am not fucking that shit up this early in the year. See me in August, after part 143, then maybe we can talk.

It seems that some MPs, regardless of who the new government will contain at the various ministerial posts, will still face the incoming government head on, for the sake of starting a confrontation.

This guy's nickname is probably master of the obvious. Seriously, man? You mean to say that these guys argue for the sake of arguing? I mean, sure, in some countries- where the Parliament actually has a say in what goes on in the country- politicians do have other reasons to argue. But in a country like ours, where the Parliament is a puppet for the ruling family- mainly the Emir, the only reason to argue is to argue. Surely you don't think these fucks, whose shelf lives are basically a few months, decide the goings on in the country, do you?

Such a mentality could perhaps be due to a lack of clear ideas and objectives on the part of the various MPs hence attack is their best defense.

This just in. Some arguments made by these MPs are baseless in nature and don't establish much of a dialogue. What's next? You're gonna tell that the incoming President of the United States is a Black guy with an Arab middle name and a white mother? This I gotta see.

Alternatively, it could be due to their defiant stance whereby they categorically refuse the government's decisions if they don't get to push forward their personal agendas and their vision of society on their fellow citizens.

Also, politicians have ulterior motives for going into politics. It is not for the betterment of their country. Some are in it for pussy while others just want to smoke crack.

Some of the MPs ideologies' seem to consider that people are unworthy of being knowledgeable about their own good hence they the 'enlightened ones' need to lead people in the direction they so believe is right!

Isn't that the basis of government? And, while we are at it, aren't these people elected to their respective offices by the people? In a sense, the same people that these MPs deem unworthy are the ones that elect them. Of course, I could be wrong.

The endless push by Salafists and Islamic Constitutional Movement to create a 'moral police' similar to neighboring Saudi Arabia is a blatant insult to the Kuwaiti people and we don't need such a police in Kuwait. Certainly, we don't need people to tell us what is permissible or not.

I beg to differ, my good man. We actually do since we are a Muslim country and the ruler of our country is actually the one held accountable in the eyes of the Almighty if, in fact, we do stray from the teachings of the religion and the Quran.

Our Constitution guarantees personal freedom and all Kuwaitis hold such a right dear. Further, if we bear in mind that man can judge man for crimes committed against him , the Almighty is certainly not in need of vice-regents on earth to ensure that his laws are followed. He personally will judge in his own court on a day where each person will be held accountable for their deeds.

Yes, but it also doesn't deflect from the teachings of the religion. There is no separation of church, or in this case, mosque, and state in Kuwait.

Today, we are fed up with the endless quarrels that waste people's time and energy. We are also fed up with the meaningless laws that have been passed recently with no consideration to the overall development of the nation and its institutions.

I am also fed up with trying to critique your articles, my good man. However, I do it because it is my civic duty as a Kuwaiti citizen to help enlighten the people of my country, a job that is entrusted to you sadly.

We are a country blessed with a golden commodity; instead of pumping money abroad to save foreign corporations of failure, we ought to create new corporations at home.

This is your first good point. I wholeheartedly agree.

I am not too aware of the K-Dow JV technical deal.

Then why the fuck are you writing about it? Writing 101. You write what you know. If a sports writer writes about, oh, I don't know, Watergate or something, would you read his account? Or would you rather read Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein's account of the scandal, an account that is required reading for every journalism student and did for Journalism schools and their admission figures what John Grisham novels did for law schools and theirs. If reading isn't your thing, and from reading your articles, I can tell that it isn't, you can watch the movie. I reccomend that you do. All The President's Men is awesome.

However, if the project is going to go ahead, then perhaps PIC should consider the nation's interest and ensure that the headquarters' in the upcoming years is shifted to Kuwait and that all the research facilities of the new company should be moved likewise to Kuwait in order to ensure that we start developing research and development at home.

You want the headquarters of a multinational corporation to be in Kuwait? Why would they ever do that?

The criteria that Michigan state area that it has all the basic infrastructure necessary, is certainly not an excuse if we are vying to become a leading business hub. If we will be forced to pay up to a $2.5 billion cancelation penalty, we ought to take the initiative to maximize the returns both financial and technical of such a project.

I am reminded that this guy doesn't watch Channel Four and their continuous, award winning coverage of the Parliament proceedings. I forgive him. (Note: Coverage of the proceedings is not award winning to the best of my knowledge.)

In order for the real issues to be debated and discussed, I call on those in Parliament to be responsible individuals to fear God and to have the interest of our country above their own interest. This because they swore to serve the nation and not their pockets. If in doing so they can manage both then it's all in their honor.

Wait, didn't this guy call for the seperation of state and religion? How did God factor into this again? I'm confused to say the least.

However, if the latter takes the precedent of the first, then I believe that the people will stand behind the government to demand better services and opportunities.

Right, because the people of this country don't think that the government, and not the Parliament, is responsible for the proceedings of everything in the country.

The time is ticking and the more time we waste discussing meaningless topics, the harder it will be to diversify in the years to come. The government should adopt a new attitude according to which it should come up with feasible targets for overall development and should streamline reforms.

Why can't your articles contain more useful nuggets of information like this one?

Bearing in mind the growing number of graduates joining the active workforce, enough is enough. It is time to walk the talk rather than simply state vague ideas without taking any real follow-up action.

How can you walk the talk? This guy is worse than the bartender with Tourette's in The Boondock Saints. On that note, I am going to make like a tree and get the fuck out!

If Mose Is Too Busy, Then I Might As Well

2009-01-02T04:12:00.003+03:00

Another year, another FJM withdrawal symptom: such is the plight of your humble narrator. (Trust me, if you knew the source of the phrase "humble narrator", you would agree that it is much better than the alternative. Besides, Bodie can't stomach continuous sessions of Ludwig van's 9th quite like the hero of Anthony Burgess's apocalyptic tome.) The victim, other than the people who have to read the drivel that is published in Kuwait's daily newspaper? Why it is our old friend, the dude that I know. (Look I don't mean to pick on the guy, but if he links to these articles on his Facebook status, then it's like he's telling Bodie, "Go ahead, dog. Pick on me." If you guys want me to FJM another hapless soul, forward me the links. It is your blog as much as it is mine.)

Without further ado, I present Happy New Year Kuwait.

Upon arriving at Kuwait International Airport (KIA) after spending yet another year abroad pursuing my higher education in Europe, I am filled with mixed emotions.

As a foreign educated cat myself, I can understand this. Kuwait is not exactly a hotbed of fun and stuff. In fact, it is rather boring.

Returning to Kuwait, my home, is always a pleasure; seeing family and friends long not seen is joyful. However, as with each return I anticipate many things. I wonder if the topography of the urban landscape has changed. I wait to see if society as a whole has evolved. Most importantly I anticipate my stay and the things that I need and want to do.

Cool beans, man. (Thanks, Creed. Michael Schur, consider this a shout out from a big fan. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and I hope this flatters you enough to don the cape of Mr. Tremendous. He is sorely missed.) I often come back to Kuwait with these things in mind. Of course, my idea of an urban landscape is much simpler. That is code for new malls to aimlessly walk around in in search of poon, and the evolution of society in my mind is to figure out whether said poon has whored it out even more than the last time I visited. I have never been disappointed on both counts.

I have learned from personal experience that it is often hard for a person to know his or her own mistakes. In a similar fashion, it is hard for a society to be fully aware of its very own contradictions; it often takes an outsider to pinpoint the issues that with time become mundane.

Right. Please see above. The members of the society are increasingly whoring themselves out and becoming more brazen in their defiance of religious and social mores. Meanwhile, the government is trying to increase sexual segregation and curbing the acceptance of pagan and monotheistic rituals that are in defiance with Islam. The average person cannot see this as a contradiction. It takes a social critic, specifically an outsider in the vein of Upton Sinclair, to point this out. Who, pretell, is our Upton Sinclair? Surely it is not the scribe of this ingenious article, is it?

The very nature of my society is troubling. On the one hand it seems that the collective "we" are trying to convey the image of a conservative society that is closed. Yet on the other hand members of society seem to be constrained by self-imposed societal rules that push them to act out predetermined roles rather than expressing themselves openly for fear of being shunned by society.

Tell me something I don't know. Perhaps that the world is round, or that pi is a long number that is more often than not rounded off to 3.14. But, oh yes, I forgot. You aim to be Upton Sinclair. Carry on.

In the past couple of days news of a self-proclaimed committee that wants to uphold virtue and prevent vice decided that it was time for it to step up and act out a role that it ought not to in a society governed by institutions and laws. Such members want to add to the social cooking pot yet another more troubling element; they want to impose by use of force their own ideological belief on others who are not necessarily in need of their guidance.

You mean the government wants to impose more rules and laws on its people? Our government? Surely you are not talking about the Kuwaiti government, good sir. The Kuwaiti government has been adopting a laissez faire attitude since the dawn of Kuwaiti democracy. Why on earth would they be doing this now?

I believe that people should be free to pursue whatever it is that they want to pursue in the privacy of their confined properties and that at all times they ought to remember that their freedom ends when the freedom of others begin. If people respect their peers, I don't see why other people should be bothered by their behavior.

See above. Please. I beg of you. This is not France, where Nicolas Sarkozy lets the people do whatever they please while frolicking on the beach with Carla Bruni. (I chose France because the cat is a French educated guy.) And, while on the subject of Carla Bruni, I totally understand Sarkozy's logic. Who cares if the people are naked on the streets of Paris? I wanna see Carla naked, too.

Accounting for what I have witnessed so far is a social malaise in the making, beginning at the airport where those entrusted with upholding the laws are the first to break them, if the police are not adhering to the airport's anti-smoking law, why should ordinary people respect it?!

Surely you don't mean our police officers, good sir. Our officers make Lester Freamon look like Alonzo, Denzel Washington's cop character in Training Day.

And it's perhaps comforting to know that regardless of the fact that, however many people have lost their lives due to road accidents, people still feel the urge to speed!

People are just living by the adage that if you ain't first, you're last.

Perhaps on a final remark for this article, the fact that people act like sheep going from one issue to another for the sake of following the rest of the flock without any meaningful outcome is by far the worst form of societal numbness to problems that are of concern to all. People don't seem to truly care about public opinion issues; what they care about is about is noise and entertainment that emanates from disputes and confrontation between MPs and the government.
Perhaps it is about time that the government resorted to creating annual gladiatorial games whereby people would be entertained in a similar way the Roman Caesars used to be back in antiquity, perhaps things could start to get done if such were the case...

Perhaps this guy doesn't get Kuwait Channel 4, where every Parliament meeting is broadcast, uncut and uncensored, for all the people to see. Who cares about lions and gladitiators, man? That shit is nothing compared to Minister A tearing Delegate B a new one. FYI, guy. Even with that shit on national TV, shit doesn't get done, son.

Musings

2008-12-30T18:15:00.002+03:00

So I really haven't been blogging much lately. Sorry about that; I've been busy. Fear not, dear readers, I have not forgotten about your addiction to the left tit. In my time away, I have reflected on many things, like my fascination with the immortal "that's what she said" joke. It is a joke that stands the test of time- hence its immortality- and one that is, while not suitable in every occasion, is certainly acceptable. For those of you who know me personally, you know exactly what I am talking about.

Another thing that has taken up my time recently is the fact that I was in my last semester of college so the need for graduation upended the need to feed your insatiable appetites with my writing skills and comedic stylings. Yes, I know, I am a selfish bastard. Now go fuck yourselves.

Another thing that has taken up my time is a copious amounts of books that I have purchased but never had the time to read. In my time away, I have rediscovered my love for Nick Hornby's writing as well as a certain fondness for former Sopranos scribe, and the creator of Mad Men, Matthew Weiner. If you don't know what that show is, here's a recap by Alan Sepinwall, a blogger on Blogger, and the TV critic for the New Jersey Star Ledger. Check out his blog. It is required reading for any television junkie.

Finally, I'd like to talk about the book that I am currently reading, Ken Kalfus's A Disorder Peculiar To The Country. More on this book once I am done with it, but it is a weirdly fascinating look on a couple in the aftermath of 9/11. Marshall and Joyce Harriman are going through a divorce and have made each other's lives a living hell. When the Twin Towers collapse, Joyce wishes that Marshall, who works there, has died in the explosions. Marshall, whose wife Joyce was on a plane headed for San Fransisco and supposedly crashed into the Towers, wishes the same. You can imagine thier dismay when they both find out they are alive. (Yes I know it's fucked up, but it's extremely funny.)

Be warned, though. It is not for the light hearted even though it is extremely funny.

I should probably stop now, but I know you want more.

Yep, that's what she said.

The Best Trailer Ever!

2008-12-02T17:42:00.000+03:00

There are no words.

Dr. Schultz: Or How Starbucks Is Destroying the Arabic Language

2008-12-02T16:07:00.001+03:00

Arabic, quite possibly one of the richest and descriptive languages still alive today, is currently occupied by the same Western forces that influence every facet of life including the embedment of foreign tongues into local vernacular. It is not something that would be as troubling as it is today if it was adopted by the masses in a proper manner, but the assimilation of English into Kuwaiti culture is being done quite haphazardly.

This is not a recent phenomenon either. The common misconception is that the integration of English started with the introduction of IRC and the various instant-messaging programs that are widespread today. However, the gradual alterations of the Arabic language started long before that.

Throughout history, Kuwaiti vernacular was always influenced by cultures surrounding the small, Arabian Gulf country. This was mainly because of Kuwait’s propensity for trade. Historically, Hindi was adopted into the local Arabic flavor, mostly because Kuwaiti merchants at the time used to trade with India and the various countries in the Far East. Yet now, Kuwait is doing most of its trade with countries from the West, where English is the predominant language. As such, kids today (and to a lesser extent, adults as well) are growing up with Western motifs and themes surrounding them. Whereas before children grew up watching Captain Majed and Grendizer now they watch Hannah Montana and High School Musical. Trade has made this possible, of course, but in this case, the commodity being traded is cultural preference.

With widespread Internet usage, the world is becoming a global village. Millions of people around the world interact with one another without even leaving their homes. Such relations lead to the exchange of ideas and beliefs, a cornerstone of any culture. More often than not, such channels of communication primarily flow and stay afloat with English, which is rapidly becoming (or has become even) the language of the world even with one billion Chinese trying to prove otherwise.

With the majority of Kuwaitis connected to the Internet in some form or another, the language of the Internet is adopted and assimilated into everyday life. In some cases - albeit rather extreme ones - Arabic is snubbed and the language of the Internet becomes the only language being expressed. In that sense, language is quickly becoming a matter of convenience instead of the rich form of expression that it is, and that is probably attributed to the generation’s sense of entitlement and need for instant gratification. Language is just a means to an end.

The filtering of English into the Kuwaiti vernacular can also be attributed to mainstream media. From the tube to the silver screen, alien ideals and cultures are broadcast daily into Kuwaiti homes, often becoming the only way the present generations gain a perspective into the concept of culture. In his article for The New York Times entitled “Watching ‘Friends’ in Gaza: A Culture Clash,” Michael Klinemann writes about a part of the Gaza strip that is ruled by Hamas, where young Gazans shun the orders of their rulers while they embrace a tabooed realm. Klinemann writes, “What’s on satellite television and the Internet, on tapes and compact discs, is a window to the world beyond the armored checkpoints and a link to Arab society elsewhere and, crucially, to the West.” While Kuwait hasn’t had to deal with armored checkpoints since 1991, Klinemann could be talking about any other part of the Middle East, Kuwait included.

In a sense, the incorporation of English into the Kuwaiti vernacular is great for the country. This generation is better for it. However, the real trouble is that it is no longer just the merging of two distinct languages but the short-sighted belittlement of one in particular. In the rush to adopt Western values and themes - and by extension the English language - Kuwaitis are disregarding the richness of their language and native culture, two elements that make up one's identity and sense of self and being.

The burgeoning Kuwaiti generation today is slowly and sadly becoming an ironic carbon copy of the American one, a worldwide Generation Starbucks. Literary scholars - and fans of Moby Dick - know that the origin of the coffee giant's name is from a character in the classic novel by Herman Melville. Starbuck is the chief mate of Captain Ahab, and the only one who opposed his quest of the great whale. Ahab, of course, died in his quest.

Hopefully, the same will not be said of the Arabic language.

Stephen A. Smith: "It Tastes Like Turkey"

2008-11-29T22:50:00.002+03:00

If you follow sports at all, you probably are aware of the fact that LeBron James, currently a small forward for the Cleveland Cavaliers, is going to be a free agent in 201o. He's the most sought after free agent of a class that also includes Toronto Raptors forward Chris Bosh, Miami Heat guard Dwyane Wade, and Phoenix Suns forward Amare Stoudemire. But the prize of that class, and rightfully so, is LeBron James.

In an exciting season thus far- which has included trades, a likely 70 win behemoth of a team, and a brilliant rookie class- most people are preoccupied talking about 2010, which sickens me.

LeBron isn't doing anybody any favors, either. Instead of telling the media that he is focused on this season, he's openly flirting with the New York media as well as flaunting his relationship with Brooklyn Nets owner Jay-Z.

Many have voiced their displeasure with this, but the highlight of this saga has to be Charles Barkley. By far.

On The Dan Patrick Show, he voiced his displeasure at LeBron's antics, saying that it is a disservice to Cleveland fans as well as the owners, who pay him to play for them right now, and for at least two more years. LeBron reitterated- as only LeBron can- saying that Barkley was stupid, and leaving it at that.

If only LeBron was as direct about his plans in 2010 as he was telling off Charles Barkley, this story would die. But since he's LeBron James, self proclaimed Global Icon, and TLT appointed media whore, he won't.

But Barkley's best comments were saved for ESPN talking head, and screamer supreme, Stephen A. Smith:

“I want to ask Stephen A. does it taste like chicken. He’s got his head so far up LeBron’s ass, it annoys me. I love LeBron, Stephen A.’s cool, but I just think it’s so disrespectful every day, every week, every month to talk about being a free agent in two years. I just don’t think it’s cool.”

Brilliant. Glorious. Food metaphor-like. (Yes, FJM withdrawals. Still FJM withdrawals.)

FJMing 101

2008-11-18T05:04:00.003+03:00

All right. So I'm still going through withdrawals. And since many of you who read the blog don't know much about sabremetrics and / or baseball, I decided to FJM a recent article in the Kuwait Times. I hate to do this because I know the author of the piece, but shit, FJM withdrawals are a bitch.

Developing a creative economy

In the digital era we are currently living in, creativity is needed more than ever to develop the technologies and their applications that could ultimately develop a new sector of our economy and generate viable commercial profit. In order to develop such an ambitious objective, the State needs to start by reforming the school concept, and refine the notion of youth entertainment. What many in our region might think of as nonsense, is actually the key to creative development.

I can dig it. The dude thinks overreliance on oil might hurt the economy in the long run, wants us to diversify our economic portfolio. Cool.

The arts are an essential component that should be developed to allow for students' creativity to flourish. Music is yet another component of the creative development process, which when associated with mind-challenging games such as Lego, or Kapla to name a couple, ensures the proper well-rounded development of young people which should obviously come with a state-of-the-art educational process.

Lego is a mind challenging game? Kapla? So instead of focusing on diversifying our trade portfolio, or even fortifying tourism like Dubai and Abu Dhabi, this guy wants us to learn how to build things? In this housing market? Fuck. The. Heck.

This just in, apparently music is not an art form, and the word creativity has no synonyms.

If we are to develop tourism and open new sectors of the economy, we need to focus on refining and upgrading the institutions that we've become accustomed to.

This guy is drinking too much Obama Kool Aid. That is not a racist joke. There is such a product as the Obama Kool Aid.

We should also create new venues such as museums that would act as centers for specific types of knowledge. We should develop a heritage museum that would trace our historical development from Al-Kut to our future developing of Silk City.

While we're at it, we should build a shrine to El Dorado, or discover Atlantis.

Another museum should trace the history of our economic development from the pearl-diving era to the modern oil industry, exploring the challenges, the successes and the future outlook.

Again, this guy wants a museum to be built. Methinks he is directly related to James Smithson.

The State should also become a patron of the arts by encouraging art exhibitions and forums. It should also encourage the creation of universities and technical institutes for graphic design and visual arts.

Right, because the future of any country is not in the hands of an Ivy League educated engineer or a Johns Hopkins educated doctor. We need more guys to go to ITT Tech. After all, they offer education for the future.

The recent success of a locally-produced cartoon serial should be extended and encouraged, and their applications should be developed to encourage, through creative means, the development of educational applications.

All right, so apart from the grammatical errors of this sentence, he makes a cool point. Young people today are exploring creative outlets they haven't even dreamed of having in the past. Why doesn't the state fund them? But do you really want these guys championing the arts? Really? In that case, the Danes were lucky.

Kuwait should focus on developing not only the visual arts; it should develop into a regional center of higher education and academic research with the aim of becoming a major regional publishing house. If we look at history, we note that the decline of societies come with the sacking of their public libraries, ancient Baghdad and Alexandria being two prominent examples.

The Christians and the Jews would like a word. It's not like there was a war or anything going on when the libraries were sacked. The sacking of the libraries was intentional.

When knowledge thrives and ideas flow, society and the economy with it both develop. Based on this notion, we ought to develop and encourage the most talented to come and work and study in Kuwait.

This guy wants the best and the brightest to go to school and further their education in Kuwait. Not for nothing, but I've been to the universities in Kuwait. Molders of great minds, these guys are not.

The creative economy ultimately is a loosely defined term that encompasses the following sectors of the economy; Advertizing and Design, Film, Video and Photography, Radio and Television, Music and the Performing Arts, Crafts and Fashion, Software, Computer Game and electronic publishing and, last but not least, Architecture.

Is anyone having as much trouble processing this information as I am? Seriously. My brain is about to explode.

BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!

This leaves major room for growth in these disciplines.

Fuck. The. Heck. What the fuck leaves major room for growth? Seriously, man, READ WHAT YOU WRITE.

Knowledge develops knowledge, and by encouraging the development of creative knowledge we would ensure the overall development of the economy...

Not only are there too many "creative"s in this sentence, but there is an utter lack of information in the sentence. That is the least of my worries at this point. Notice the ...

TO BE CONTINUED? SAY IT AIN'T SO!

What Ken Tremendous Means To Me

2008-11-18T03:39:00.002+03:00

God damn it I am still pissed the fuck off. This truly and utterly sucks. I need some fucking Ken Tremendous in my life. I could settle for some Mose Schrute, but even he's gone off, overlooking some Amy Poehler project to be shown on NBC in April. C'mon, Mike, what the fuck are people going to do with no KT or Mose through April? And let's not even bring up food metaphors or reason number 21 million why Bill Plaschke doesn't deserve a job.

I was happy not blogging for a while. I was content with the way life was going, because God knows, blogging is not something you do when you're happy. Blogging is reserved for those days in your life where "Break Stuff" is blasting on your iPod, when you just want to, like Fred Durst, break stuff. As a matter of fact, it is reserved for these days where you want to break Fred motherfucking Durst. Am I bitter today? Yes. Am I going to ramble on and on til I can't make sense of what I am writing? You fucking bet your ass I will.

Right. So where the fuck was I? Yes. Mose Schrute. Ken Tremendous. Bill Plaschke. Somewhere in this realm, you will find Bodie Brodaus (that's Bodie Brodaus, as in me, not J.D. Williams, the inspiration behind this alter ego of mine). And Bodie is mad, ladies and gentlemen. Is he mad at Michael Schur (the real life Mose and KT)? No. Fuck no.

Bodie is just mad at the world.

The Death Of Ken Tremendous

2008-11-15T18:51:00.004+03:00

So, I've been busy with school work and lots of miscalaneous stuff to post something on this blog, but I feel compelled to write this. Yesterday was a very sad day on the Internets.

I am a loyal reader of the site Fire Joe Morgan a website dedicated to the ripping apart of sports columns. That site is no longer with us. This sucks.

For those of you who have never heard of the website, head over there now and check out the goodness that we will no longer have the pleasure of enjoying.

Oh well, at least Ken Tremendous can go back to writing episodes of the Office. That's always good.

That Didn't Take Long

2008-11-06T05:51:00.001+03:00

Barack, meet disaster. Disaster, Barack.

And McCain Blows It

2008-10-23T19:10:00.001+03:00

Terry Tate Saves The GOP

2008-10-23T04:12:00.003+03:00

I bet this is what John McCain and the Republican Party wants to do to Sarah Palin every time she opens her mouth.

Emotional Blackmail

2008-10-20T15:57:00.004+03:00

You ever notice the role reversal that happens in a relationship? Before the relationship starts - during the wooing period, as I like to call it- the men are emotionally unstable nut jobs who wear their hearts on their sleeves. They compliment the woman constantly, notice things all the time, and listen. Then, as soon as the relationship is real, as soon as the girl likes the crust of the mother fucker, so to speak, BAM! Role reversal.

No longer is the man listening to his girlfriend, no longer is he complimenting her on the way she looks. No, the man is now not the emotional nut job; he's the voice of reason and rationality- well, at least when it comes to the relationship. But the woman? Sheeeeeeeeit! (I miss The Wire) She's Randall Patrick McMurphy!

All of a sudden, the crust of the mother fucker isn't good enough. Hell, the whole bread slice is moldy. We can't do anything right, and, even when we do, there's something wrong, something that warrants critique.

What is it, ladies? Are we not who you thought we were?

Aren't you going to crown our asses?

Hug It Out Bitch

2008-10-20T07:19:00.003+03:00

Finally! An episode of Entourage worth talking about!

Tonight's episode was the best episode I've seen in a while. No longer am I gonna watch the antics of Vince and the boys to live vicariously through their conquests and lavish lifestyles (although I will still be doing that- it won't just be the only reason I watch that show), there are actual things going on. I think it's called a plot, but don't quote me on that.

So? Has anybody seen it? What do you guys think? Does Ari take the offer? More importantly, who was that model who was Natasha's roommate? (Never mind. Thanks imdb.)

I think he takes the offer. There's no way he turns it down, especially after the way Vince pulled down the window hatch on the airplane. (That split second where the screen went black? That was the key to the episode. I know I'm reading too much into this, but its a plot point on Entourage, for crying out loud! That doesn't happen too often.)

But ultimately, I think Ari will come back to being Vince's agent. He will tire of running the studio and miss Vince and the boys, and come back to being the asshole agent that we know and love.

Oh yeah, him and E are almost certainly gonna hug it out again.

Blog Action Day!

2008-10-15T01:00:00.002+03:00

“Shit, life is catching up to jail. Shit, if you live in an old project, a new jail ain’t that bad.”
Chris Rock, Bring The Pain

Wow. You know we live in a fucked up world when you don’t laugh at that quote. I mean, yeah, sure, at first, I laughed at the line. (It was part of the whole bit about the Tossed Salad Man, so that had a lot to do with it.) Then, as I thought about it, I realized Chris Rock was right. Is that the world we’re coming to? People would prefer to go to jail instead of living their lives, free of shackles, cells, and the occasional anal rape?

OK. So the economy isn’t doing so great. People are losing money left and right. But did you ever stop to think that the people who put their money in stock markets aren’t exactly poor when it’s all said and done? The guy that put a million dollars in the stock market probably has millions more to spare, right? (If he doesn’t, and he put all his money in the market, then he’s an idiot and deserves what came to him. Well, not really.)

Think about the poor, disease stricken human being- the guy with no money whatsoever for food, let alone proper health care. Is the plight of Harry Paulson and the people on Wall Street really that serious now? Paulson at least has health insurance and a roof over his head. Plus, he has the federal government to bail him out every time he fucks up. (Really, Congress? You gave 700 billion dollars to the guy who let the economy get into this mess in the first place, but didn’t challenge President Bush’s ruling when he vetoed the child insurance bill because it was unfair to smokers? Seriously? What. The. Fuck?)

I think the number one problem affecting our world today is not Al Qaeda, not global warming. It’s poverty. Rich people don’t kill each other. Poor people do. Why? They need food, and, in today’s world, you need money for food. Shit, you need money for everything. If Congress were smart, instead of giving 700 billion dollars to Paulson, they’d take that money and give it to the poor. Fuck tax cuts. You think a guy who has no income cares about tax cuts? That guy doesn’t even pay taxes since he’s either broke or doing some illegal business that he wouldn’t tell you about. (Drug dealers don’t pay taxes on the drugs they deal do they?)

Ending poverty would go a long way in ending many other problems. Crime would go down, the literacy rate would go up- even the economy would be better because people with money like to spend it. If no steps are taken to end this global crisis, then Chris Rock wouldn’t just be a comic telling a joke.

He’d be a prophet.

A Sense Of Entitlement

2008-10-12T16:18:00.002+03:00

This issue has been festering inside me for a while now, so I might as well write about it. (That's why you write a blog, Bodie, you dumbass. Let's see if I can do this post The Word style, a la Stephen Colbert.)

I am sick and tired of people thinking that the world owes them something, that somehow what their parents told them about them being special and God's gift to this world actually has some clout in the real world. (Worked well for George W. Bush) It seems every guy with a college degree from some prestigious learning institution - or even not that prestigious- thinks that the world owes them something, that somehow it is the Man that is preventing them from making a change in the world. (See: minorities and spoiled rich kids) The fact of the matter is, we are not all that special. There are geniuses, yes, and there are some pretty dumb kids out there, sure, but we are probably, for the most part, average. (I liked it better when Chris Rock said it.)

Shut up, The Word. He was right. (As a matter of fact, no more input for you. You're too smart for your own good. Yes, I'm crazy.)

The next person that complains about being undervalued at their job is going to make me lose my mind. (But you're already crazy! Too much? OK I'll stop.)

The world doesn't owe anybody anything. If you think you are undervalued at your job, then either quit or do something about it. Complaining is not going to solve your problems, my friend. So, next time you're feeling like the Man is putting you down, show the Man your talents. Show him that you can lead his company - private or public or anything for that matter- better than he can.

Just don't complain to me if he fires you.

Another Case For John McCain

2008-10-10T15:45:00.002+03:00

Some frequent visitors of this blog may have pegged me as a McCain supporter. Well, I admit that right now, I like McCain better than Obama, but, of course, Obama has been showing me something lately, while McCain is just content to let Sarah Palin parade around and make an ass out of herself - and his campaign. However, this is another reason I want McCain to win: A McCain win would stop these rappers from rapping about Obama.

Look, I have no problem with people letting others who they want to vote for. However, its a problem when these same rappers that are "representing" aren't even going to vote November 4th. More to the point, would it trouble you dudes to be creative with your Obama songs? Tupac rapping "And though it seems heaven sent, we ain't ready to have a black president" and will.i.am singing "yes, we can" was cool the first two times. Not the FOURTEENTH. (Oh, and the dude isn't even president yet. Can you imagine what would happen if he became president? Every rapper would rap about the economy (which, as it turns out, is Clinton's fault after all), albums would be released to commemorate the State Of The Union address, and July 4th would be the official release date for every rap album.)

So, on November 4th, if you value your ears as much as I do, vote McCain.

If nothing else, your ears will thank you.

Gender Rules, Shmender Rules

2008-10-09T00:35:00.003+03:00

An article in today's New York Times dealt with the gender roles in today's climate. Of course, this wasn't front page material because it dealt with the issue in upscale restaurants. (Frank Bruni, the author of the piece, can rest assured, though. He made the front page of the Dining Out section.)

It seems that an East Village eatery, Apiary, decided to eliminate gender bias from their dining software. In plain English, that means that whoever's plate is ready, whether male or female, gets served first. Needless to say, it was a bad move.

Seriously, what the fuck? Everybody knows ladies get served first. It's common courtesy. Not only that, but by serving the woman first, you're doing the man a solid, too. Let me explain.

More often than not, if a man and woman walk into an upscale restaurant, they are either out on a date or the man is in the process of wooing the girl. (Yeah, I know some patrons are married and some are family, but still. The majority fits into the category of the date.) That means that the dude, as soon as he walked into the restaurant, was thinking one thing: how long before we fuck? (We're assholes, I know, but girls are bitches too. It evens out in the end. And I wonder why I'm still single.)

I don't know about any of your eating habits, but I'm a pretty fast eater. More than likely, the guys I know on average can out eat the girls (and I know some serious eaters of the female persuasion). So, in a sense, if a girl gets her plate first, she has more time to eat. That means that by the time the guy gets his plate, they should be finished at the same time instead of the guy having to wait for the girl to finish her salad. (By the way, girls, eat. Enough with the salads. We have no reservations about eating an animal in front of you, extend us the same courtesy. Please, I implore you.) Thus, the wait to get in the girl's pants (depending on how smooth the guy is or how slutty the girl is) is cut short.

So, waiters, do us a favor. Get her dish out first.

We'll thank you in the end.

Kiss Our Collective Ass

2008-09-30T03:51:00.005+03:00

For all the adults and baby boomers that say that this generation- I like to call it Generation Kill as an ode to the great mini series and even greater book- has no pep, no great cause that it can stand up for, this is for you. You can have your Kent State riots and Watts riots and Million Man March (Is that still going on by the way?); we got Facebook boycotts.

Yep, it seems Generation Kill has found an enemy, and it is the developers of Facebook. You baby boomers can fix the economy (fat chance that's going to happen- Congress is too bipartisan to vote yes on the bill now. Possibly after the elections that will change, but then it'll probably be too late), try to pull the troops out of Iraq by 2009, and reduce gas prices. We give you that. No don't get us wrong; we'll help you out (because you're the reason we're in this mess in the first place and God knows you're too proud to get us out of it). We just have to deal with this problem first.

Yep, apparently, Facebook users are so pissed off at the new design that a million or so of them are planning a two day boycott of the popular social networking website.

Viva la Revolucion, indeed.

The Idiocy of American TV

2008-09-28T19:30:00.003+03:00

All right. I love watching television; let's get that out of the way right now. I generally have no problem with it. However, every once in a while, I weep for the days of Kuwait and Jazeera Sports. This is one of those days.

So today is the day of the big Italian Derby, the football match that pits AC Milan against cross town rivals Internazionale. It's not exactly an important game in the standings, but its still a must see game, one of those special ones that millions of fans await. It's sort of like the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees rivalry, only they don't get to play nineteen times (of which all nineteen are shown on television- LIVE).

I'm not upset that they're not showing the game; they are. I'm miffed as to why they don't show it live. What's more, the game tips off at 2:30 EST. Fox Sports is showing the game at 3:30. Retarded, I know.

Had this been Yankees- Red Sox, Fox would have started coverage at 12. Had this been Yankees - Red Sox, ESPN (who wouldn't even get to show the game mind you) would devote a 90 minute SportsCenter to the intangibles of the rivalry, and why this game (again they do this for all nineteen) is important- even though the Sox clinched a playoff spot and the Yankees are seven games behind. Why they don't do this for a game that is most likely going to be watched by millions more is beyond me, and I think I'm a pretty smart dude.

To recap the importance of this game, my friend told me that she "doesn't watch the Italian League. But I think it's pretty huge."

You can probably guess my reply.

Why I Envy Derek Jeter & Hate Him At The Very Same Time

2008-09-26T01:53:00.002+03:00

Whenever I'm asked who I would rather be for a day, the usual suspects don't usually come up. Everyone I know would rather be Brad Pitt or George Clooney. Me? I like to swing for the fences. This is why I always say, as much as I'd hate to admit it as a Red Sox fan, I'd rather be Derek Jeter. Why?

Well, for one, Brad Pitt is a pussy whipped shell of a man. I hate to say it, but that is the truth. Michael Douglas was right about that one. I don't care if his wife is Angelina Jolie, considered by many - n0t me- to be the best looking woman on earth. I don't care how good looking she is, there's no pussy worth being that whipped over.

George Clooney's life probably would be the most fun. The dude sleeps with Italian models all the time, doesn't really make a movie unless he wants to, and is probably the envy of all males. Again, not mine.

Which brings me to my choice. Derek fucking Jeter. If you were to compile a list of the hottest women in the world, Scarlett Johanssen, Jessica Beil, and Jessica Alba would be on that list, right? They are also part of another list, poon Derek Jeter has tapped. Also on that list, Vida Guerra, pre crazy Mariah Carey, Adriana Lima, and Gabrielle Union.

Jeter also lives in Manhattan and is the toast of the town (although not this year since the Yankees suck).

Wait, whoa, hold up. What the fuck am I saying? Fuck Derek Jeter. I don't want that bastard's life. Besides, for all the poon Jeter has banged, he is probably most recognized for this fact:

Derek Jeter is the guy that gave Jessica Alba herpes.